The Soul

I am a soul weary of its own existence.

I ask the Maker why he gave me this body when the soul yearns to be in another. A body i find magnificent in its architecture, a work of God which no human can fathom and yet at the heart of this body, a soul feels trapped in a body not its own. This soul, ungrateful, as any a human, yearns to have what it does not deserve, for each soul is given a gift, a body, the garden of the soul to live and prosper, to pray and to praise the beauty the body’s eyes can’t see for the soul in blinded by petty jealousy.

I ask the Maker why give me this beautiful life, a life i have known for so long that i find myself helpless to lead another. A life i find so right yet so wrong. A  life belies the nature you set, the clockwork winding backwards, upwards, downwards and sidewards and yet never in the way it was meant to be. This life, is it life or is it a dream, waiting in deep slumber unwilling to wake up, afraid to see the world with waking eyes. This life i lead in ignorance for is it not ignorance is bliss.

I ask the Maker why give me LOVE. Love that always ends in hate. Love the messenger of peace, the quantum of solace, the maker of life. Love for something not meant to be mine, love that survives for a fickle of moment, a minute of bliss yet a lifetime of misery and regret. Love so real, like any other human being yet seems so wrong, deceitful, misleading. The soul’s eye blinded by hope, the body’s eye blinded by lust, the mind’s eye blinded by ignorance, all wanting to believe that is what love is all about. This is the Love that i deserve, the right of a human like any other, the gift so precious it lasts for eternity. Where is this Love?  Love lost, love found, love finding me, love leaving me. Is this Love that i have or is it just Lust, the unending yearning for bodily pleasure, wanting to be loved and cared or wanting to be lusted and craved, a feeling so human yet so alien.

I am a soul way beyond salvation.

I walked the path of sinners and sins. I strayed from the One road, not of pebbles and rocks, but of light and truth. This road i have long left, not completely lost, observing from a distance, unwilling to come near, for fear that if i follow this road of light, this darkness i cherish will be lost for eternity. Loving the feeling of being lost, in a solitary universe not alien and desolate but filled with wonders, colors of rainbow so bright and beautiful, alluring yet dangerous, tempting but at times revolting.

This turbulence, clashes of the soul the nature brings forth and the soul that i have created. A gale so strong it sways me back and forth, at times ebbing, allowing me to dwell in this darkness for a moment longer but at times pushes me to the brink of insanity, wanting so strongly to return to the light yet the mind’s eye is blinded by ignorance, the body’s eye is blinded by lust and the soul’s eye more blind than blind for mind offers no advice and the body speaks only of lies.

I fear the day the end of days. The days of retribution and punishment for all those who walk the road of sinners and sins. For I am a soul way beyond salvation.

I am a soul weary of its own existence.

Twilight

Why I think TWILIGHT  is the LAMEST vampire movie ever made for the big screen……

First and foremost, for those of you who haven’t had the slightest idea what movie i’m referring to, here’s a quick recap of the movie (which lasted for the longest two hours i’ve ever spent in a movie theater). This movie is about a “vegetarian” vampire named Edward (in the vampire world that translates to a vampire which feeds only on animal blood and never tasted human blood for the fear that they will go on a feeding frenzy which turns them into a monster) who falls in love with a human girl, Bella. You see Edward falls crazily in love with Bella for two main reasons, firstly, the smell of her blood is intoxicating and as addictive as heroin (i quote that from Edward, mind you) and secondly, her mind is the only mind in the whole town of Forks that Edward can’t seem to read which he finds frustrating yet interesting or whatever (you see every vampire in this movie has a special ability and Edward’s happened to be mind reading). They start this whole courting ritual which takes up the first  one hour of the movie. All went well for the two loving couples but troubles start when they meet up with a couple of rouge vampires who happens to feed on almost half of the town of Forks. One of the vampires is  a gorgeous blond (played by the hunky Cam Gigandet) who accidentally stumbled on the whole family on their annual baseball game and took a whiff of Bella’s blood and became addicted and plans to eat her up just to prove that he is a better alpha-male compared to the wimpy Edward. The movie ended with the couple dancing happily ever after during the school’s prom with Bella’s leg in a cast after tripping down the stairs and going through a glass window on the way down (when we all know that she was viciously attacked by a hot blond vampire and nearly died after a failed rescue attempt by her wimpy vampire boyfriend). Well, that about sums it all.

This movie is marketed as the next Harry Potter. Why is that so? Both movies are based on popular series of novels with almost the same demographic i.e. teenagers (well, harry potter was initially penned as a children’s story book until JK Rowling decided to change the direction of the whole series to include adult readers due to everwhelming response). They both center on teenagers who still goes to high school like every other kids but are embroiled in less than normal circumstances like falling in love with a 100 year old vampire who stays seventeen until whenever (i’ve never studied vampire biology so i’m not really sure how they age). They both center on tortured souls, Harry with his past and Edward unable to accept the fact that he is one filthy rich, handsome kid with supernatural powers but deep inside he is just a monster because he feeds on the blood of innocent deers in the forest.

The annual baseball game in this movie tries hard to replicate Quidditch in the Harry Potter movies. This is perhaps the only scene in the whole two hours of the movie where the whole vampire clan gets to show off their amazing powers except for Edward of course (he gets to jump from trees to trees like a monkey, move faster then a speeding bullet, stop a speeding van with just one hand, read people minds like his brain is somekind of bleutooth device, bluetoothing information with his other vampire siblings and best of all, change the colur of his eyes without having to wear contact lenses like the rest of us). In the age of CGIs and mechatronics, there is hardly one display of special effect (this is a story with a supernatural theme) except of course the scene where Edward literally shines like a diamond (in Bella’s words). The final showdown between Edward and the blond dude (i can’t really recall his name given the limited screen time he’s given, he was supposed to be Edward’s arch-nemesis) was anti-climactic and serves to enhance the wimpiness of the lead character, Edward. It takes the whole family of SEVEN to defeat ONE hunky, blonde vampire (this is probably due to the fact that Edward becomes malnourished due to his vegetarian practice).

The movie tries to replicate the magic of Harry Potter by purposely casting unknown actors as its main leads. Nobody knew Daniel Radcliffe before Harry Potter, however i do feel that casting Robert Patterson as the main lead has everything to do with Harry Potter. He was supposed to be Harry’s nemesis in love (if you recall, the were both vying for the love of a certain Cho Chang) before he died tragically in the hands of Voldemort. His presence in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire was more believable even with very limited screen time. He might even be a very talented actor but after this movie, every one will remember him as the pasty faced, almost emotionless, wimpy vampire. His career suffers tremendously at the hands of an idiotic director.

This movie has the worst romantic scenes that can only be rivaled by Padme Amidala and Anakin Skywalker in Star Wars II. The screen play writer must be one stiff human being who probably never fall in love his entire life to ever come up with lines like, ” it’s like a lion falling in love with a lamb” and “then, i am a stupid lamb” (i never knew they have lambs in africa). It seems these days, you can google up on everything including the secret identity of your mysterious boyfriend ( i wonder if this movie is sponsored by google). This movie tries to portray Edward as a tortured soul pretty much like a Bollywood movie tries to show how miserable life can be being rich, famous, unbelievably handsome but still find something lacking in the case of Edward, not being human. The monstruos side of this vegetarian vampire was never fleshed out probably to avoid a PG rating by the censorship board. Bella’s acting is hardly memorable, Edward’s little sister shines so much brighter than even Edward himself.

So, enough trashing, did I find anything worth a praise in the entire two long hours of this agonizing romance/ horror?/ teen flick. Unfortunately NOT and I find myself wishing I was watching Transporter 3  and drooling over Jason Statham instead of some wimpy, pasty faced vampire prancing about like a monkey for two hours (i thought vampire are related to bats not spider monkeys).

Ratings: 1 out of 5

G-Men United

Gay-Men United or The End of Gayhood in Malaysia is Near

The Present

Gay men of Malaysia have made it to the front page of major newspapers more and more frequently these days. It all started out with a rather heinous political tactic to suppress the opposition by using sodomy allegations as a way to tarnish the image of an otherwise formidable foe. It didn’t work, the opposition made a huge impact on the political scene even if they didn’t win, but homosexuality, until today remains the Numero Uno (No.1) moral issue in this country, thus explaining the immense coverage given by medias in this country including the no.1 channel on national tv, tv3.

The recent raids by the police force on gay joints in Penang followed by immense coverage by medias up to the point of making it as the opening news on Buletin Utama and front page news of all major newspapers complete with pictures of gay guys arrested and dragged into police trucks was a big blow to the gay community of this country. This is the second raid after the first one conducted a year ago on this island. The last one however, was conducted at a very small scale that it escaped the eyes of the media except for one tabloid paper that reported on the incident. Following that, various newspapers chose to stick with gay news, playing it up as the biggest moral issue in this country up to the point of calling us gays as CANCER.

They portrayed gay guys as a menace to the general public, alleging us of destroying happy families by robbing husbands from “loyal” wives and children. Elderly gays seen as scumbags being desperate citizens still craving for manly flesh to satisfy their inconsolable urge. The phrase used in association with the recent raid was GAY PARTY, with the word PARTY given such negative connotation that no one in their right mind would hold another party again for whatever reason. These parties are described as loud, orgies taking place at every single corner of the place with condoms used and unused strewn everywhere with the owners throwing free condoms to every visitors. It is also reported that the owner of these premises encouraged their visitors to bring along sexual partners to spice up these so-called “parties”. We are also called “scavengers” luring innocent and unsuspecting teenagers (known as anak hekan these days) into performing lewd acts among others sodomy and cock-sucking for a generous amount of money.

Am I denying that all the above never did happen in the current gay scene? NO. All the above did happen but are we that treacherous that at this point of time, we should be considered as national enemy, a disease that spreads like a virus that seeks to destroy the moral values of a country which no longer holds true to whatever value it used to adhere to or are we that dangerous to the general public that any contact made with members of the gay community inadvertently turns them into the corrupt individual that they already are like a cancerous cell that spreads and eventually kills whatever piece of morality within a so-called “normal” heterosexual society.

The past

It is unfair to say that the government had been strictly unfair to the gay community. We were given ample rooms to breathe and the gay scene flourished like it never did for the past few years. We have gay clubs everywhere in the country, saunas and spas almost at par with our overseas counterpart, gay sites made by malaysians, gay blogger blatantly announcing their gay status and we are proud to say that the first malaysian to go to space is GAY. The government has yet to launch an all out gay eradication program, still allowing gay men to work and live in this country, of course, with the exception to our sisters of the drag sisterhood who turned to prostitution as a source of income. However, true to its image as an “islamic” country, the government has yet to allow gay marriage, something that seems outrageous even to a gay muslim like me.

We have “gay” individuals on national tv, running various shows, receiving accolades from the general public. We even have drag queens hosting various functions for various companies, for dinners and what sort. The “gay” disposition of these individuals are considered amusing as long as they keep their sexual lives private, being “soft” or “sissy” is acceptable as long as they don’t have sex with another man. Gay individuals are portrayed in various forms as early as 1980s in shows like 2+1, who can forget the funny gay guy everyone knows as Sam, now we have sitcoms like “sutun” but whatever show it may be, gay guys will always be typecast as funny, silly, outrageous, easy-going and shallow most of the times. We have yet to produce shows like queer as folk that focuses on serious matters, the trials and tribulations of living as a gay.

The future

Majlis fatwa malaysia recently released a statement condemning lesbianism as haram (better known as penkid ), drag queens, known as nyah in this country, has long been labeled as deviant, the act of dressing up like a women is considered haram according to the laws of islam. The near future is bleak of us gays living in this country where the people no longer value living together in harmony. Gone are the days when homosexuals and heterosexuals live together in a community each acknowledging and accepting each others existence.

The government may one day pass a bill for gay registration and all gay establishments might be closed down forever. We will be left with online dating and cyber sex that is, if the government haven’t decided to close down all gay-related web portals. We will be forced to live in darkness, denying our own rights to live as a free gay in a so-called democratic country.

Is this the future we will one day live in?

Men-O-Pause

I am proud to announce that I am currently on a one week leave starting from last Monday and if everything goes as smoothly as i plan, should last till the end of the week. I pray to God everyday that I wouldn’t be called in for an emergency shortage of staffs or some stupid mediocre reason which requires a premature termination of this vacation i am currently enjoying. I call this week the de-STRESSing week, a step necessary to facilitate my upcoming mundane and super-stressful months ahead due to a huge absence of most of the members of the department for various reasons. Therefore, i will try my very best to make this week as stress free as possible.

I just came back from a four day trip to KL, with my BFF, miss merazz. It was mostly an unplanned trip which i see as necessary as part of the de-stressing program. An acquaintance of mine pointed out recently, staying too long on a small island like Penang, seeing same things, meeting same people every day can drive you crazy, hence, he suggested a monthly visit to KL for the sake of maintaining good mental health. I took his advice, returning to Penang just yesterday, feeling partly elated, partly frustrated, partly angered, least of all rejuvenated but most of all, SURPRISED. Let me explain all the various parts i’ve mentioned above.

I managed to get a hold of a CD i’ve been looking for all over penang during this trip to KL. My friend visited some of his favorite cd stores and managed to find an imported double-disc copy of The Best of Oasis. I also found a complete set of manga I’ve been aiming for after reading a review and more so after finishing all 24 episodes of the anime based on the same manga. That explains the elation i felt. I was frustrated at the fact that i couldn’t enjoy any of the food i ate in KL, especially the over-rated Carl’s Jr. and all of my favorite stalls in KLCC which i used to frequent during my student days are now long gone. La Queen, the must-visit gay club for any gay guy visiting KL is now stripped off its usual glitz and glam and what used to be the ultimate hangout for gays of all ages and background is now left with “underage” gays strutting to ridiculous and totally absurd choices of music to dance to. There goes one of the best hangout places on Friday night in the big capital of gayhood in this country.

I was very angry at the fact that after months of web dating on yahoo messenger, the first meeting with an otherwise not strikingly good-looking man i’ve met over the internet did not turn out the way it should be. It was an accidental meet at La Queen. Surprisingly, he was able to recognize me in the dim light as i swept by him on the way upstairs. We had our moments on the staircase, with everyone looking on as they passed by us. It somehow ended there with him giving me a thousand and one reason why we couldn’t spend the time together for the rest of the weekend. I got even angrier due to the fact that after finally giving my ex a chance to rekindle our long lost love or whatever we may have had in the past, he turned down my invitation to meet using his family as an excuse to be overly busy over the weekend.

I always come back from KL feeling overly exhausted. It is probably attributed to a few factors including my inability to sleep anywhere else other my home sweet home. I got a bad case of dehydration due to the fact that KL is over-heated most of the time and the one and only almost fully air-conditioned state in this country manages to cool you down but dries you up like a prune without you knowing it. The air saturated with noxious fumes reduces your oxygen concentration leaving you lethargic most of the time. Whoa, let me just stop there, i can see my KL friends leaving angry comments on this blog in the very near future. Sorry guys, I do love KL but it’s just not the healthiest place on planet earth, not to say that penang fairs anywhere better. Please accept my sincerest apology.

I am mostly SUPRISED for a good reason. KL happens to be the capital of gayhood and most gay guys from other parts of the country make their way here for one main reason, HAVING GREAT SEX. However, during this particular visit, I found myself having the smallest fraction of interest in getting laid, something which i find quiet odd given the circumstances. This has left me with a huge question mark, what in the world is happening to me? Have I really lost it? After much pondering and almost cracking my head open, i came up with a few theories on why i found myself losing my sexual drive on this particular KL trip.

Theory#1: I just turned 30 and since I have matured relatively early as a gay, it is possible that at this age i am suffering from premature decline in sexual drive or libido as a result of an acute decline in hormones circulating through my veins. This condition is otherwise known as andropause and is common among males at the age of 60 and above. However, due to a mutated gene in my body which also turned me into a gay once i reached maturity, this process occurs much earlier compared to normal heterosexual males.

Theory#2: My other BFF, miss odezz, pointed out that perhaps at this age and time i have come to a point where my idea of sexual fulfillment is by achieving emotional intimacy or in words more easily grasped by my fickle mind, LOVE. Having mindless and loveless SEX no longer appeals to my weary soul and repeating the same routine of Touch & Gos and ONSs just leaves me feeling void and most of all, miserable. I realized what i was trying to achieve through SEX can never equates the rush and heat you feel when you’re in LOVE.

Theory#3: During the recent raya celebration, me and a bunch of gals had a blast having non-stop sex at a recently closed sauna in penang. This was followed by a slew of quickies with some other sex buddies i managed to contact and all these happened on the same day. The following months leading to this KL trip also saw me having countless sex with some blind dates and massage boys which in turn causes a state of saturation i.e. my body refuses to engage in any more sex until i go through the process of de-SEX which translates into a few months period of abstinence from SEX.

Theory#4: I had the worst case of emotional instability during this trip to KL. Let me explain why. The afternoon before boarding the bus to KL, i started an all out de-CRUSHING process involving a very handsome colleague i had a crush on. Upon arriving to KL, I had to face two simultaneous rejections from two otherwise not really good looking guys which brought my self-confidence to almost ground zero. I missed my BF terribly wishing above all that I could spend the weekend with him in this beautiful city (read that with a lot of sobs and snorts) and it happened that he was spending the weekends with his close buddies and the thought of me missing him like crazy never crossed his mind. It always happens that during my episodes of depression, i loose whatever sexual drive i may have and in its place, a miserable, brooding old maid.

I offer my sincerest appologies to my BFFs, miss merazz, miss odezz and miss azie for having to keep up with my emotional tantrums and having the deepest sympathies on my weary soul. All of you are real LIFE SAVERS, thanks for being a friend at my most desperate hours. Thank you all.

Love Is Like A Roller Coaster

I came up with this idea after a fight with my BF. I was looking for something inspirational, an analogy to describe what i’m going through at the moment. Remembering what it felt like when I first fell in love with him and this empty feeling, this feeling i’m trying to push away, the feeling you get when a relationship is about to come to an end. I realized how much falling in love felt like riding a roller coaster, or is it just my futile attempt at dramatizing myself again. Whatever it is, try to enjoy this piece of crap i’m offering, for what’s it worth, this is probably the first and last time i become overly emotional over a guy.

LOVE is like a ROLLER COASTER

I got on a roller coaster for the first time when I went to Genting Highlands with my ex-BF. There were all sorts of crazy stuffs in the park but I was too chicken to try out any of those crazy games. After spending an hour and a half doing nothing (while my ex and his bands of brothers tried every single games he laid his eyes on), I decided to give the roller coaster a try. It was the first and last time I ever got on a roller coaster and I’m not intending to get on another one anytime soon. So, how does a roller coaster ride compares to falling in LOVE?

You hear many stories about the roller coaster. Some so great they describe it as an experience of a lifetime, these people made it alive and went on to have more rides in the future. You hear these stories, you just can’t wait to get on one and experience the thrill yourself. Some tell stories of how dangerous these rides can be, some losing their life while others become so traumatic it leaves them scarred for the rest of their lives. You hear these stories and you tell yourself accidents can happen to anyone, but it does not happen everyday and probably it’s worth taking the risk, you will most probably survive the ride and live to tell the story. Some become so terrified they never got on a roller coaster and some waited too long that by the time they got the nerve, they’re no longer allowed to get on one while others died not knowing how thrilling and exciting it can be.

Remember the first time you heard about falling in LOVE from a friend? Remember how much you yearned to be LOVED by another man, how much you giggled and gushed when your friend tells you about his first kiss, how great the sex felt? Remember what it felt like when you hear about your friend’s break-up, how badly hurt he got but you convince yourself you will never fall into the same fate? Your LOVE will be different, it will be GREAT. Some vowed never to fall in love but in the process lost that one chance to have an experince of a lifetime.

You got in line, the queue is long and frustrating but that excitement and thrill bubbling in your chest makes you wait patiently for your turn. At times you feel like quitting and go try some other rides but that nagging voice inside your head tells you if you quit now, you’ll never get another chance. So you waited. The nearer you get to the front of the line, your heart pounded faster, the adrenaline coursing through your veins makes you all light-headed and excited.

Remember how your life was when you’re young, so eager to fall in love, wanting to feel the thrill, that experince of your lifetime?  Remember the first glimpse of hope you felt, searching for the right guy to fall in love with? Remember that long and frustrating wait, that endless date you go through, the countless sex that hurt more than please? But every time, you convince yourself you will find the right guy and when he comes along, you’ll fall in LOVE with him.

It’s finally your turn, the passengers are now boarding, your carousel in front of you, your heart beats like its about to explode, you started having doubts…..will you survive this ride? what if something bad happens? will the rails hold? will it hurt? excitement and thrill overpowered your judgement and you plunge into the seat. The safety restraints come down and the ride of your life is about to start. This is the moment of truth.

Remember the first time you met the man of your dreams? That excitement and thrill you get that your long wait is finally over, you’re finally getting that chance to fall in LOVE. You had your doubts but LOVE blinds all mortal eyes, you chose to ignore all warnings, leave precautions to the wind and trust that often, faulty instinct and plunge right into that LOVE, right in front of you. You’re all geared up for the ride of your lifetime.

The roller coaster moved slowly, climbing the railings, reaching the peak and pausing before it makes its first plunge into the deep abyss. Your excitement escalates but soon turns to fear, fear for your life and you closed your eyes. When it finally makes that plunge, you feel all queasy like your insides are coming out from your mouth but then, it felt fine, it was fun and you yearned for more. It’s one very confusing moment, both painful and pleasent.

Remember that feeling when you confessed your love to your BF? He says he loved you too and you’re suddenly at the top of the world. It’s not always sunny and bright, at times it hurts so bad but at times you experience the most wonderful feeling that your judgement fails you all the time. Your brain gets confused it goes into complete shutdown and LOVE takes over your body. You can’t get enough of this feeling, you want more.

The roller coaster went on making a few more rounds and that excitement starts dwindling, the fear now abates as you learn that you’re as safe as a baby in a crib, that thrill goes mellow as it makes one monotonous round after another. Your brain initially frozen and confused starts working again and you say to yourself ,”this is boring, i just want it to end”.

After a few months, that heat you felt starts getting colder, you brain starts working and you see things staright, you start looking for every single faults, finding every reason why that guy is no longer as perfect, you feel trapped not able to get off the ride, bored and miserable. The monotony of the relationship, the monogamy you find unflattering.You want it to end.

The roller coaster starts slowing down, it made its final round. As it is about to stop, your brain gets confused again, you feel happy that you’re finally on the ground again, you’re safe and lived to tell the story. But then you regretted that you didn’t enjoy that ride of your life when you should have. You closed your eyes all the time and you didn’t get to see the dizzying image when the train went swishing by. You’ll never get a second chance. It won’t feel the same the next time you get on another ride.

Remember your first break up? That feeling when your relationship is about to come to and end? You just cannot let it go but at the same time you feel so tired, fighting and doing your very best to try and keep it alive. You feel that a break up is the best thing for both of you or maybe its just a lie to calm your heart down. You can’t stand all the confusion and thus, you make that final decision. But when his gone, you regret it, you doubt that you will never experience the same kind of love in your lifetime.

Well, is LOVE like a ROLLER COASTER? A roller coaster will always be a roller coaster, no matter how different they make it look, how many devillish turns it makes, in the end it’s just another roller coaster. So is LOVE.

A Thousand Appologies

My dear readers, this is probably the longest break i ever took since i started writing in this blog. I was hit by the worst case of blogger’s block for the past few months. It started in the fasting month when my low sugar  level and severe lack of enthusiasm for all things sensational had left me bereft of any new ideas for a new post. It lasted longer than it should and I thought that by the time raya celebration kicks in, my dried out brain would resume its normal function and starts churning out one post after another like it used to. I soon learned that my brain needs more time to rediscover the passion I lost over the long break. My old witty, sarcastic, horny, sensational, vibrant, narcissistic self that started this blog was somehow lost and in its place a very dry, old maid all miserable and alone feeling sorry for himself all day long, waiting for his BF to return and makes his life worth living again. Talk about melodramatic, well, that’s part of what being a gay is all about, we’re all DRAMA QUEENS.

I’m NOT looking for sympathy but rather, I’m looking for an emphatic soul, someone who understands how it felt like to feel all stupid and boring. How frustrating it is, to switch on your laptop and stare at the screen with unblinking eyes and being unable to write anything worth reading. How fruitless it is to use your internet connection for the sole purpose of cruising  through countless porn sites just to rediscover whatever passion i used to have for this gay world i used to love. How frustrating it is to fall prey to your own LUST, wasting hours of precious time watching gay guys masturbating over the internet when i could spend my time doing something productive especially when i have this precious blog to write in. What envy I felt reading through other people’s blog, feeling green all over not able to write when it seems so effortless to others.

How sad it is to be crippled, having a big head with a brain inside but using it for the sole purpose of satisfying that sexual urge I have almost every day now that my BF is so far away. It makes me more and more depressed, feeling stupid and dirty. The worst feeling someone can have is being disgusted at your own self.That is pretty much what I’m feeling at the moment and this is definitely NOT the proudest moment in my life. I am human though, and no human can escape from being miserable once in a while if not most of the time. It is also ironic, that the word GAY means happy but you find that most gay guys spend half of their life feeling miserable. Perhaps it’s just me.

I now realize that what i really crave is not SEX but that feeling of being LOVED, rediscovering and replenisihing all that happy and pleasent hormones running through your veins, saturating your brain with comfort and the sense of well-being, feeling appreciated and most importantly, LOVED. It is pitiful in a way that in the gay world you have SEX just to be LOVED, when you know deep inside it’s not the SEX that you’re really looking for, it’s that emotional intimacy you crave for, that psychic connection between two poeple, that brings above all happiness, and a will to keep living in this cruel world. Forgive me for being overly dramatic in potraying my pitiful self in such a grand, almost selfish manner, I am a narcissistic person to begin with.

Enough with this ranting, the real reason why I wrote this post is to offer my most sincerest appology for being absent for the longest time since whenever. I plegde that from today onwards, I will treasure my short life and become the most productive person for the next few months before this bout of DEPRESSION hits me again, well it’s becoming more frequent these days and it’s one of the many signs that a relationship is about to come to an end. LIFE on the other hand must go on. I’m leaving GLOOMY in the old closet and taking HAPPY out of its hiding. I’m welcoming myself to this blog again, dusting the keyboards of my laptop and taking my fauvorite stool from under the bed. I”M BACK and BACK WITH A VENGEANCE.

Some New, Some Old

Author’s note

My dear readers, do not be alarmed by the sudden change in the blog’s design. I celebrated my 30th birthday and in the spirit of celebrating eidil fitri, i’ve decided to make some changes to my blog. However, please take note that the only thing changing here is the design and only that.

I’ve decided that grey is too melodramatic and angsty in a gothic kind of way, especially with the floral motifs in blackish hues. The previous theme was called “dusk”, a theme I chose to denote that my blog is written by a gay, for gays but still maintains a certain degree of masculinity, I didn’t want it to be too obvious and by choosing colours like pink and purple, people will never take me seriously. However, dusk reminds me too much of where I am now, old and shrivelled and the morbid colours is a clear reminder of how close i am to the end of the line.

That explains why i chose the colour green, a darker green, almost olive with some brown to reflect the “save the world” theme (yeah, right). The truth is, green is my fauvorite colour before i became depressed and nihilistic and decided that black is my actual colour. Green is also the colour of the festive season (the official colour for eidil fitri) just like red is for christmas. The whole theme reflects the fresher, more positive me, something i would like to become in the future. Pray for me guys.

What will never change is this. Despite the very religious connotation of the whole colour scheme, the contents will get even raunchier, sexier, hotter but still retains the me that used to write in this blog. That will never change. This blog was not meant for purely pleasure but a room for me to share my thoughts with all of you with what’s happening in our lives on a daily basis. I will try to keep it in the same format but when the time comes for changes, you will all be warned before hand so to prevent unpredicted shocks to your nervous system.

That’s all for now. Think of this as a face lift or in a milder version, a jab of Botox to an aging face full of wrinkles. The person underneath all that is still the same.

Love, always.

The Right Guy For You

Introduction

I have been toying with this idea for quiet some time but somehow, found it difficult to put it in writing. The initial idea for these articles were meant as a memoir or an autobiography, chronicling my previous failed relationships. However, i had reservations and decided that my personal life should remain personal and I would try my best not to go into the usual male bashing routine most of us go through after each breakups. What usually happens is after a few months of playing “diva divorce”, chanting the “ I don’t need a man/ Independent women/I will survive” mantra, we find ourselves crawling back into the snugly, burly arms of another man and convince ourselves that this new guy is different from all the other guys but deep inside we know he’s just another guy and that’s what we go for in our lives, a GUY. That’s what being gay is all about.

Instead, what i’ll try to do is, compile all my previous experiences with multiple failed relationships (the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with my current BF, two years and hopefully will last even longer) plus a few other relationships I’ve gathered mostly from my close friends and use all these encounters to produce a comprehensive and hopefully fair and unbiased analysis of the types of man available for all of you out there, whether you’re a pro or an amateur (the fact is you can never be a pro when it comes to relationships, love makes you stupid, you don’t learn anything from your experience) to choose from. I would like to think of this as a classy and  very gay parody of ” Definitely, Maybe” meets “Sex and the City: The Movie” starring me and my friends.

I think deep inside, what i’m trying to do is to try and make sense of why my previous relationships never worked out. Hopefully, through this process, looking at things in retrospect, I can finally understand why I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and all the men in my previous relationships are obviously flawed. No wonder my good friend Miss Jimmy called me a LOSER. Well, I confess, I’m the biggest LOSER in the world and that qualifies me as the best teacher to give all of you a good lesson in choosing a great guy to start a relationship with as to not end up being an even bigger LOSER than me (because if that happens I would loose my title and I’m back being a simple nobody).

So, all these rantings have left me wondering, is there really a Mr. Right, The Perfect Guy or does a perfect relationship really do exist for us gays? God made Eve for Adam, thus man were genetically pre-destined to get attracted and fall in love with a woman. So, if that’s the case, how did homosexuality came about? From what I know, the earliest record of a gay community dates centuries back, remember the story of the prophet Luth and the city of Sodom and Gomorrah, which eventually got destroyed for their sins. Well, putting history aside, what really drives us to be gay in the first place? Oops……….got side-tracked there. Let’s leave that for another day.

The real question here is, ” Is there such a thing as the right guy for you?”. How do you define Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect or what does a perfect relationship means to you. Are we destined to live our whole life looking for the right guy only to find out in the end that that guy doesn’t really exist. If that’s the case should we approach a relationship on a trial and error basis, accepting every single guy in our lives, then decide later whether they’re the right guy for us and once we’re done, discard them and move on with another relationship. Or should we stick with our strict definition of a perfect guy, praying and hoping everyday, waiting for destiny to send that guy to us and push away any other guy that knocks on our door in the process of waiting. Is there such a thing as happily ever after?

Do we find ourselves falling for the same type of guy over and over even after various failed relationships? When I was younger, me and my friends used to set our own strict rules of the type of guy we want to fall in love with. Well, some of my friends still do, some of us stopped doing that but most of us still do it without us realizing it. The usual list usually consist of the following items (not in order of preference):

• Age range: the young ones prefer the mature but not too old, we came up with our own term for that, ” keabangan”, some prefer “daddies”, the young studs (better known as anak ikan) are all the raves now especially for old guys like me (i’m 30 by the way, celebrated my birthday yesterday).
• Body build: some like it lean, some like meaty with lots of muscle to chew on, some like some fat to cling on too, some like it hairy to tickle them when they’re horny.
• Income: this is very controversial as at a certain point, it involves morality issues, are you looking for love or money? this is exactly why most of us would iclude occupation as part of introduction and most of us lie.
• Location: some like it near, some like it far (for obvious reasons), we used to have a certain states of preference keeping in view that men from certain states in this country tend to be jerks and losers, so we prefer to keep a considerable distance from these guys.
• Etnicity: call me a racist but i’m sure all of us has their own preferred ethnicity, for example, Miss Odezz (a malay) likes chinese, they are clean and most have great bods since most of them are gym freaks just like him, some gets enchanted by the glitters of Bollywood, some goes only for caucasians (Mat saleh and Mat Saleh celup), everyone has their own pick.
• Sexual orientation aka roles in bed: this is by far the most complicated topic to discuss. I prefer to leave that long story for another day.

For the sake of discussion, I have taken the liberty, of coming up with my own practical classification of all the men I’ve encountered for the past 30 years of my life (you have no idea how old i feel right now, putting this in words). Some of you may disagree with a lot of things I may say in these articles but I will leave that to your own discretion. If you have any qualms at all, please feel free to leave a comment.

The journey begins here. Please stay and enjoy the ride.

Eid Mubarak 2008

Assalamualaikum w.b.t, my dear friends and readers (that refers to all of you who had been kind enough to read through my endless rantings and bla bla bla……….. and had been very supportive throughout my mere existence in the blogging world). EID MUBARAK 2008, Kullu Aam wa antum bikhair (that loosely translates as may you have the best year ever).

Eid il Fitri is the time for forgiveness but most of all a time of gratitude, to be thankful for all the bounties, big or small, bestowed by GOD in our lives. For that reason, I would like to dedicate my latest post to the following persons (doesn’t this sound very much like an acceptance speech…DREAM ON)………

The Perda Gurlz: Miss Merazz, Miss Nanu Baharina, Miss Maria Alvarez, Miss Pittricia, Miss Merazz’z loving husband, Areipp, Miss Nanu’s hubby/wife (I’m still not sure about their respective rolls in bed till today), Mimi Zarina, and last but not least, never forgotten but we prefer to keep him in the background these days, Kak Hayam (literally translated as Chicken Sister aka CS). I am very grateful to these gurlz for making my life on this lonely island more than just happening. We shared laughter, we had great times at the sauna together, had great sex and a blast talking about it later, we shared stories of our latest conquest, stories of joy and of heartbreaks but most importantly, they were always there, a shoulder to cry on, in my most desperate moments, no matter how silly and selfish it may seem, they were always there. My special thanks to Miss Merazz, you are my pillar of strength, I greatly admire your calmness and sound advices, you are one of the strongest gay soul I have ever known. Thank you from the deep abyss of my heart. Miss Maria, you have one of the greatest love stories ever (pay attention to the extra ‘ies’ in story) and one of these days i would like to get everything in writing. It would be sensational.

My one and only Miss Dee: It’s still not too late for me to say , “Welcome to My World”. You have been my closest friends since our varsity years. We may have drifted apart at the very last year, the year of “transition”, when friends turn foes, for a reason I still can’t fathom, the great unsolved mystery. You have been my greatest source of inspiration, many of your thoughts and rantings turns up in my blog. It is never meant to be demeaning but as an inspiration to all of us, a way to better understand the going ons in our lives, making sense of an otherwise senseless way of life.

Miss Odezz winner of this year’s Miss Mulut Murai (at a recent award presentation in JB) but forever and always Miss Gay Travel for each and every single year to come: you have been the best host during my every visit to KL, I truly appreciate our times together. You’ve introduced me to the side of KL gay scene I have never seen before. I’m truly grateful. My warmest regards to your wonderful friends, the beautiful Miss Azee, Miss Egha, your breast gets bigger every day (that is meant as a compliment) and the sweet Miss Mizi.

Miss Jimmy Najmie, the pink blogger: you are my greatest confidant ever, every single happenings in my life, the bad, worse, worst and sometimes better I share with you, our loves and breakups, your ever happening sex life, the sex you now share with everyone else on your blog. You introduced me to blogging, I will ever be grateful to you, I’ve finally found the joy of my life. We may have drifted apart lately, you said so in your blog and for that, I’m truly sorry and wish we can start being good friends again, like the sisters we used to be, the remaining sisters that until today remains single and unmarried. Life goes on, the life we lead is our own choice to make.

Last but not least, to all of you out there, i may not know you by name, but to every one of you who may have read this humble blog, thank you so much, you have been a great support and a source of inspiration. Keep reading, I will try my very best to keep updating this blog till the day i call it quits (by that i mean, leaving the gay world for good, which may not happen anytime soon). Thanks again.

I will leave you with a very warm greeting: EID MUBARAK, God Bless All of You.

Call Me Datin

The month of ramadhan is a holy month celebrated by muslims all over the world. Fasting is not just a simple matter of not eating and drinking for 12 hours a day (a concept notorious among non-muslims) but encompasses many other aspects of life and one of the key philosophy of this month is moderation. In the spirit of this holy month, let us take some time to learn a lesson on humility.

A month ago, when i was doing my call duty, i received a phone call from my consultant informing me about the arrival of a certain wife of a Dato’ (better known as Datin), who was apparently accompanying his husband on a business trip to Penang. After two days of her arrival, she came down with a flu and was given some medications by her family physician. However, on that fated day, her condition got worse, she became very ill and was promptly brought to the hospital. I was waiting for her arrival in my room when I got a surprise visit from a senior physician who also happens to be a Dato’, informing me about the arrival of this Datin. We went down, together with my specialist and later consultant, who was also summoned from his home to attend to this Datin. After an hour of resuscitation, she was brought up to our intensive cardiac care unit (CCU). She was given some sedation down in the resuscitation room but regained consciousness as soon as she reaches the CCU. Upon waking up, the nurse attending to her, being her friendly self asked her this simple question, ” Mak cik, what is your name?” to which her answer was, ” My name is Datin A, just call me Datin”.

We attended to her in the CCU, doing our best to stabilize her while she maintained her diva persona all the time, to the point of calling all doctors blood suckers. Don’t get me wrong, she was a diva, sarcastic, demanding and proud but she was never mean. I’m sure if you get to know her better she can be a very pleasant lady. Her condition turned from bad to worse and after five days of illness, she succumbed due to complications of severe lung infection.

Moral of the story.

In my field of work, i’ve come in contact with various Dato’s, Datin’s and Tan Sri’s and have my fair share of meeting with the demands of these individuals we refer as VIPs or VVIPs (depending on how high you are on the social ladder). Our society created this title with the initial intention of honoring various individuals who have immense contributions and attained such achievements that made the whole country proud. However, through the years this title has been extensively overused, conferred to too many individuals thus loosing its initial grandeur. The exclusiveness of this title is brought further down by the outrageous acts of the Dato’s themselves, abusing this title whenever and however possible. The society that creates this social status in the first place, now loses faith in this title, attaching it to various negative stigmas, sex scandals, bribery, abuse of power and influence and various other forms of misconducts. The unfavorable acts of Dato’s children (better known as Anak Dato’) at one time became the favorite front page of tabloids and the plight of desperate Datin’s are re-enacted many times over the big and small screen giving the impression that all Dato’s by nature has an innate inability of keeping their dicks inside their pants in the presence of young and upcoming celebrities.

So, if that’s the case, how proud are you of having a Dato’, Datin, Dato’ Seri, Datin Seri, Tan Sri, Puan Sri or whatever seri you may have in front of your name? Do you feel that great being conferred that title that you are suddenly above every other human beings in this country? Are you that insecure that every where you go, you need people to call you by your title that your own name given by your parents is now irrelevant?

I have seen my fair share of title abuse in my line of work. The VIPs and VVIPs coming to a government hospital are given special privileges, otherwise not available to the general public. As rich as they are, they somehow felt compelled to use public health  services rather than going to the private sector which will guarantee value for money (that’s what they tell every one anyway). Here are some of the privileges they get from being a VIP or VVIP:

• They are able to set appointment dates and times to see any specialist, consultants or even head of departments at their own convenience. This makes sure that every time they come to the clinic they won’t have to wait for their turns like the rest of the general public. Their arrival will be informed earlier on so that, their files will be ready and ushered straight into the specialist’s room the minute they arrive. They favour specialists or consultants who are also conferred the title Dato’ or Tan Sri. Perhaps it gives them a sense of belonging, a doctor at the same height of social ladder would understand their plight better and more importantly, that doctor would have more power to pull some strings whenever needed.
• They are eligible to get all sorts of expensive medications otherwise not available to the general public. The general public some being so poor, they have to wait for SOCSO money or some requiring social welfare’s support are forced to buy these medications, the reason being the stocks available in the hospital are so limited that they have to really choose which patient may benefit most from these medications.
• They even have the privilege of having hospitals set up in their vicinities with the impression of improving the health services of the country. This usually happens near a general election. Every one knows why Hospital Kepala Batas was built in the first place, it was supposed to become the national center for cancer research before the untimely death a certain VVIP, who was suffering from cancer.
• They have the privilage of requesting the presence of all specialists and consultants to attend to them when they get admitted to the hospital irrespective of the time of the day. Even the hospital director personally attends to them when they get admitted. The specialist attending to these VIPs is given the task of updating the hospital director about their condition even if it’s 3 am in the morning. They are usually attended by not one but usually three and sometimes five consultants from different disciplines depending on how bad their health is or more importantly, how high you are in the rank of VIPs and VVIPs.
• All these special privileges not only apply to them but even their closest or even distant relatives, friends even the ones way back from kindergarten days, close neighbours or even not very close neighbours or neighbours of their relatives, their staffs or ex-staffs including their maids and drivers, or relatives of their maids and drivers or whomever that happens to know them even by their names. All they have to do is mention their names and they are entitled to special privileges just like the Dato’s ot Tan Sris themselves.

So is it great having a title in front of your name?