Bleeding In Love

I dedicate this entry to my two dearest friend who is currently involved in one of the most complicated predicament known in the gay community, FALLING FOR A STRAIGHT GUY. Don’t get me wrong, I’m currently in a relationship with a very straight guy and as years go by, my love for him grows deeper. Before anyone of you decide to join the club, kindly consider the following situations faced by any gay wishing to fall head over heels over a straight guy.

Do you love him?

You fall head over heels over a guy. Is it love? My friend Miraz, has been in a complicated relationship with a married young guy. One day, over the phone, he told me, after all this time, he realized that he simply wish to admire the guy and not fall in love with him. He has great looks but after getting to know him better, he’s not exactly the BF material. He’s now trying to keep it superficial. Is that complicated? YES. My friend Odez admires his swimming trainer so much that he’s now struggling with this admiration that is fast changing into something he would like to call love. Is it really love or is it just a CRUSH?  Well, to tell you the truth this thing is too complicated that even I don’t have a straight answer to give you.

Can he really love you?

Can a straight guy really love a gay? Most gays would like to think so including me. Is that love really sincere and will it be the same as in any other gay relationship? If he loves you, will that make him gay? Is that question really important to you? Love can be born in many ways. By nature, straight men are meant to love a woman. However, if a gay guy suddenly pays extra attention and takes care of a guy even better than a woman, can his heart open up to gay love? Can he go that extra mile and admit that his feeling towards another guy can go beyond mere friendship? Can he accept that this feeling is LOVE?

What’s in it for him?

When a relationship involves more than feelings and companionship, you start questioning the sincerity of that relationship. Well, i’m sure everyone knows where i’m getting to, so let me go straight to the point. When you start noticing that a guy starts paying extra attention to you when you start giving them money, you start asking yourself whether that relationship is built solely on the base of monetary gain alone? If that is so, are you willing to accept the fact and just go on with it as long as he “loves” you in return? If  a guy says he loves you but uses you just to satisfy your his sexual needs, can you call that love? Are waiting for that moment when after countless fucking and sucking, he would finally come to his senses, and realizes that he actually LOVES you? When one day you can no longer cope with his needs, when you’re bank account is all dried up or your asshole just cannot stand all those fucking any more, will he still LOVE you? Will he leaves you and deny the LOVE that you once cherish with him?

Will he love someone else like you?

When a guy opens up his heart to gay love and accepts you in his life, i’m sure everyone will start asking the same question, ” Will he love someone else like me?”. There is no doubt, that any gay guy would be itching to get in the pants of your HOT, STRAIGHT BF. The question is, will he fall for them in return? What happens when he meets another gay HOTTER and BETTER than you, will he love him the way he loved you? The actual question here is, WILL HE LEAVE YOU FOR ANOTHER GAY? Or is his love reserved just for you, as you were the one that inducted him into this new world? Will you regret making him fall in love with you in the first place?

Can you understand MALE BONDING?

Do you understand MALE BONDING? After two years of being in a relationship with a straight guy, this is something I still cannot understand. Male bonding is a concept quite alien to the gay community because we refuse to accept that male relationship can exist at a level that does not involve SEX and LOVE. The strong bond between straight guys involves something that closely resembles gay love which explains the confusion. They care for one another that their “BFF” takes precedent over everything, even their own couples. Their promise is for keeps and breaking that is unacceptable, something we hardly find among gays. They even do sleepovers but of course, no SEX is involved during these sleepovers except for mass masturbation while watching porn together, usually after a few cans of beer.  They admire each others body, but it doesn’t mean they want to have SEX with one another. The question is, are you willing to understand and accept this concept.

Can he still loves you when he loves a woman?

My good friend jimmy was once in love with a straight guy, he said he was extra special because he was extra straight. In the end, he dumped him for a fat girl with huge tits and a vagina. When you straight BF finally find that someone special, will he still loves you? Is there enough space in his heart for two different love? If he leaves you for a woman, is that the right thing to do? If he keeps seeing you after getting married, can you bare the blame of ruining a “normal” relationship? If he loves you so much but at the same time wants to have a GF but he loves you just the same, is that OK with you? Should you be jealous?

Are you brave enough to take the final test?

After seeing a straight guy for some time, you decided that you’re ready to upgrade the friendship to the next level? The question is will he be ready? What is the best test to do? Say it straight in his face that you’re crazy about him and you’re so deeply in love with him? Invite in him home over dinner and try to get him in bed with you? Take the opportunity on a planned trip hoping that a romantic scene would automatically open up his heart to you, admit your love, have great sex and sleep in each other’s arms till morning? Admit you’re gay and pray hard that he’s gay too? Are you ready for the consequences? Are you willing to sacrifice a beautiful friendship for your selfish need to have a straight BF?

The choice is yours…………………………

Time to Say Goodbye

My dear friend jimmy (under the pseudonym, mimi afrina) posted a problem on his latest blog entry. As a member of his elected fraternity or the “sisterhood of the traveling thong” and as the vice chancellor of the newly established Gay University of Malaysia, I will take up this challenge and try to solve the commonest and never-ending dilemma of all gays and straights alike, THE BREAK UP. The few steps that i will illustrate below have all been tried and tested, since (as mentioned by my dear friend) i’m a veteran in the fields of breakup (having gone through countless break-ups in the past).

Accept

Accepting the fact that the relationship is OVER. This is the first and most important step in going through a break up. DENYING the fact that you are no longer meant for each other and staying as a couple will only make matters worst will make a break up almost impossible. Accept the fact that the chemistry that might have been there between the two of you have finally ran out. Wanting a break-up with the hope that he will come back to you is NOT a break-up. It is called TAKING A BREAK from one another. It may hurt you even more when in the end when you find out that he will never come back to you. The hope and expectation of saving whatever feelings you might have left will wear you down immensely and you just end up wasting your time over a futile attempt of escaping a break up. Accept the fact that going through a break-up is NORMAL and no relationship (especially, gay relationship) is IMMUNE from such predicament.

Rationalize

Think again why you broke up in the first place. If you have a good reason, STICK WITH IT, ignore it if someone else has something to say about it. The decision to break up is totally up to you, you make the call and i’m sure the decision is mutual irrespective of the first person to suggest it. A break up doesn’t usually happen over a day, many things may have happened along the way and ONLY you are able to understand why it finally lead to the eventual break up. Remember this REASON and repeat it like a chant everytime you feel like you’re missing him and that emotion overcomes you. I’m sure you will be doubting yourself all the time, worrying whether you’ve made the right choice breaking up with him, feeling guilty, sorry and angry at the same time. Angry that you were unable to keep a realtionship intact, dissapointed that you have to go through another break up and guilty that this break up might destroy his life. DONT BE. It’s not worth it. I did it in the past, and I’ve realized that whatever you do the realtionship has now ended and he will MOVE ON just like you will.

Forget

After the break up its not worth spending your time reminiscing the following things. It will only bring out despair and is a TOTAL waste of time.

• It’s not worth trying to remember why you fell in love with him in the first place. What was there is now gone, leave the past and move on. A bigger mistake would be trying to understand why he fell in love with you or worse, whether he really loved you in the past. Trust me, it hurts like hell. You can come up with all sorts of theory, you keep on guessing, you loose your sleep over it but the only person that can give you the answer is HIM. The question is, are you willing to accept his answer.

• If possible, try to keep away from the places that have huge nostalgic values for the both of you. You start picturing the happy moments you may have had before and end up making a complete fool of yourself, breaking down in public. Is it worth it? Worst case scenario: you find him with someone else having the same moments you had before (guys have this predilection of choosing the same dating spot no matter how many times they change partners) and worse, they seem to enjoy it. He MOVED ON, why can’t you?

• Throw away whatever memorabilia you have of your previous relationship. Keeping them makes it harder to say good bye to the past. Return the most precious gifts he gave you, it might have cost him a lot and simply throwing it away is just too cruel. Delete whatever pics or videos you may have with him especially if it involves SEXUAL content. You may never know what may happen in the future (this is especially true if you’re a budding celebrity or worse in politics). A picture tells a thousand words, think about the pain you feel looking at his pic and multiply that by a thousand. Is it worth it?

Compensate

Keep yourself busy all the time. The more time you spend thinking about something else, the less you think about him. My friend jimmy found a new love of blogging, he gave birth to a new PINK weblog and is very proud of it. The destructive energy of depression is turned into something productive, a very positive attitude. The more he writes, the more he moves away from the painful memories of his break up.Go to the gym or swimming pool or whatever sports you play, just sweat it. The endorphin released during exercise helps you calm your nerves. EAT, don’t starve yourself, you don’t have to punish yourself, its not your fault alone, you need sugar to fight depression. Just don’t overdo it. Avoid the following destructive ways of compensating, it will hurt you even more.

• Eating non-stop and in a very unhealthy manner. Sugar and fat reduces stress and if you don’t control yourself you’re done for. They can be very addictive especially when you’re feeling down.
• Shop till you drop. At the end of the month when you look at your credit card bills, you’ll get more depressed and where does that get you. Credit card should be banned for people with depression.
• Non-stop sex. In order to fill in that gap or hole left in your heart after a break up, you try having as much SEX as possible. You’ll find that that emptiness grows even deeper and you’ll be craving for more sex. You’re no better that a SLUT, might as well charge for sex, at least you get something out of it.
• Drugs and alcohol. They numb your feelings, makes you forget but until when? When the effect wears off, you’ll be wanting for more. Is it worth wasting your life for a man?
• Ending your life. If this is your final choice, there is nothing much i can say, just pray very hard that GOD will forgive your sin and one day find yourself in heaven.

Grieve

Allow yourself to grieve for your losses. It is NORMAL to grieve, everyone does it and nobody normal is immune. Allow yourself to be sad, cry all you want. Don’t keep everything bottled up inside, it’s not healthy. If you don’t already have a BFF, i suggest you go and find yourself one, LOVE in friendship is unconditional, most of us just don’t understand that. Find a shoulder to cry on, pour your heart out. If a friend is too difficult to find, start a weblog. Trust me it helps.

Follow these few steps. It takes time to heal from a break up especially when your relationship is very deep and involves more than just SEX and companionship. It gets more complicated when you’re staying together. It may take days, weeks, months or even years to recover but trust yourself to do it.

JUST MOVE ON.

It’s TIME TO SAY GOODBYE.

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