Hysteria

I would like to start this post by offering my sincere apology for my extended absence from the fields of blogging. To all my fans out there who has been anxiously waiting for my latest blog entry, I present to you……..”HYSTERIA”, (if you listen carefully, you may actually hear my egomaniacal laughter in the background, the sound rendered mute due to its harmful effect to human ears).

For the past few months, the word hysteria had made its way to the front page of most tabloid newspapers in this country. The small, seemingly unknown town of Tanjung Lumpur in Pahang was shaken by screams and wails of high school girls (and a few boys) who fell victim to what seemed to be a case of mass hysteria. Day after day, more and more girls (and a few boys) in a somewhat secluded boarding school break in bouts of “hysteria” which left the school authorities baffled and exasperated, being put under constant pressure from parents and the authorities to resolve this matter ASAP to ensure the safety of all the students in that school. A newspaper reported that so far 35 students has fallen prey to this condition since May. The school despite suffering from this agonizing ordeal remains open until today with only a few students opting for a transfer. The school administrators is currently resolving into hiring traditional healers (bomoh) to perform exorcism, chasing away evil spirits who are believed to terrorize the school grounds and possessing poor innocent girls (and a few boys) causing them to break into “hysteria”.

I am called to give my point of view on this matter for two main reasons: Reason #1: I spent five years in an Islamic-oriented boarding school (better known as sekolah agama) and since my adolescent years, I was brought up believing in the existence of the paranormal world. During my stay, I’ve had my fair share of “hysterias”, where the girls in my school break into hysteria every time the lights go off during blackouts or when big exams like PMR or SPM closes in. Reason #2: I am a doctor by profession and during my student days, I developed a huge interest in psychiatry. I had long left my ambition of becoming a shrink due to its somewhat disturbing and more often depressing nature of work. In other words, my upbringing and higher education has made me both a believer and a skeptic. In more popular words, I am both Mulder and Scully rolled into one. So what would the Mulder and Scully inside me say about this case?

The Mulder part of me would say…………………….

Hysteria, in Malay culture, is often viewed as a manifestation of demonic possession of a human body. It often involves women as women by nature has weaker spiritual energy (in Malay, we call it lemah semangat). During their monthly menses, they are considered “unclean” (the word used is berhadas) and during this period, they become more susceptible to demonic possession compared to men. The same cannot be said about gays however, especially sissies. Having the same “weak spirit/lemah semangat” and the tendency to break out into an emotional outburst at the first instance of distress but devoid of the ability to menstruate every month, the relative risk of a sissy to be possessed by a demon compared to average men cannot be acertained for sure. Based on my very limited experience however, demonic possession of a member of the gay community is very rare.

The school in Tanjung Lumpur (like many other boarding school suffering from the same problem) was beleived to be built on lands that used to be an ancient burial ground. This might have upset the ancient but not necessarily evil spirits residing in that previously tranquil and pristine area. I am a strong believer of the notion that human beings share this world with creatures of the paranormal world. We co-exist, them fully aware of our presence but us being insolent and ignorant, fails to acknowledge their existence. Out of greed, we continue to conquer every single corner of this world leaving them no choice but to retaliate when their territories are invaded by us. This may sound like a scene from Hellboy and the Golden Army but I still beleive it’s true. I strongly suspect that the students of this boarding school must have commited lewd acts that may have incurred the wrath of the already angry spirits repulsed by such misconduct. When their world is threatened, being unable to make a formal complaint to the authorities, they resolved this matter by turning to the media for help, just like mortal men do. By possessing these students they are making their presence felt and extensive media coverage on this bizarre phenomenon help them make a statement to the world. Their world is threatened and they’re not happy about it.

The creature living closest to human beings are called Djinn, not the genie that pops out of the bottle every time you rub it and grant you wishes, but creatures said to live on earth in a world invisible to our naked eyes. They are gifted with supernatural powers and some said posesses technologies far more advanced than ours. The western world calls them fairies, malays call them “orang bunian” and the truth is, they are able to grant wishes but for a price. Those relying on their services to do their biddings loses thier faith in God and thus condemned to eternity in hell if they failed to repent their sins. They are said to dwell in  cemeteries, lakes, pools and their biggest settlement is in the middle of the ocean. The reason why these creatures favour cemeteries is that they feed on human bones. They occasionally possess human beings to get a feel of what it’s like to be human, most of the times to experience love.

How to solve this problem?

Getting the help of traditional healers (bomoh) will only make matters worse. Why so? These bomoh uses the service of djinn to do the bidding, and dealings made between one djinn with the other usually do not end well. An easy way of spotting a bad bomoh from a good one is the use of insence durinf their prayers and ridiculous request like blood of  a white chicken as these items serves as food for the djinns. Djinns feed on smoke, bones and carcass. Be very careful when a bomoh starts mixing weird incantations with quranic verses or worse speak in languages foreign to you. These are definitely bad bomohs.

The right person to do the job is a religious figure who is not only piuos but well versed and well trained in the fields of exorcism and repelling from evil spirits. The Darus-Syifa’ team previously helmed by Prof. Haron Din is one good example. The use of Quranic verses to fight and ward off malicious spirits is the only way to prevent further episodes of hysterias in the school. The students must be reminded to have strong faith in God and diligently read the Quran and thaught ways of defending themselves from evil forces.

To be continued………………………………….

Love Chemistry (part 2)

You Smell Nice

My dear friend Miss Dee sent me a text message one day, he wanted to know whether he was really drawn to the perfume worn by his current “fling”. This guy, Orlando has managed the amazing feat of successfully combining two different brands of perfume i.e. Issey Miyake and CK to produce one irresistible aroma that turns him on. Is there such a thing as an  “aphrodisiac perfume” ? My theory is this:

Miss Dee was not really drawn to the perfume but rather to the memory associated with the aroma he smelt. Let me explain. The first time they met, Miss Dee became attracted to the pheromone released by Orlando, as pheromone is odorless, the only striking smell he gets from this guy is the perfume he wears. By that time the VNO has already detected the pheromone thus the two of them became attracted to one another. Smell is the only sense that connects directly to the brain’s limbic system-the center of taste, emotion and memory. This process of association between smell and memory is actually involuntary. Miss Dee told me that this is by far the best perfume he ever smelt, the combination of two different perfumes that complements each other in such a way that is virtually perfect. In truth no matter what perfume he wears, even if it’s BRUT (the worst perfume I’ve ever smelt), it will always be sweat and pleasant as the smell evokes the sweet memory of their initial attraction to each other. That perfume reminds Miss Dee of Orlando (even if he’s unaware of the connection), and as long as they’re happy being together, he will always remember that smell as the smell of their blooming love for one another (as much as Miss Dee would like to deny it).

Do you find yourself looking for your BF every time someone walks by wearing the same brand of perfume that he wears? Are you able to identify someone without even looking just by sniffing the perfume he wears? The truth is, the perfume we wear mingles with body chemistry to create a scent as unique as a fingerprint, aroma imprints and vivifies emotional memory. This doesn’t hold true just for perfumes, in fact it is true for any aroma you may associate with the person you love. My BF likes smoking Dunhill cigarettes and so did my ex-fling in my varsity days. So, every time I smell Dunhill cigarettes, I remember that deep love I felt for both of them. I don’t even smoke and I can’t stand the smell of cigarette smoke but I made an exception for Dunhill cigarettes. To me, the smoke is the smell of passion and love although one day, it will kill me as a passive smoker.

The same things apply in different and even opposite situations. If you hate someone so much and this person happens to have a certain aroma about him, an easy example would be a perfume that he wears, you will regard this perfume as disgusting no matter how nice it may smell to someone else. If your BF happens to wear a perfume the moment you broke up with him, you will find yourself hating this perfume for the rest of your life.  The sweet memories you associate with that aroma now turns bitter and you find yourself resenting this aroma without understanding the reason why.

Some gays are addicted to the smell of sweat. This holds true for most underwear fetish. Most of them prefers an unwashed underwear, the longer the better as the smell of sweat becomes more concentrated. This aroma reminds them of that hot sex they’ve once had, that erotic smell of crotch, balls and ass holes all sweaty at the height of sexual ecstasy becomes imprinted in their brain as the ultimate aroma of pleasure. Thus, explaining why these people can even cum just by sniffing on another guy’s sweaty underwear (especially when the owner of that underwear happens to be really hot).

Some aroma reminds us of love. They may not be in the form of perfumes or cigarette smokes but simply body odour that is not all the time disgusting. I had a friend who goes to sleep every night with his BF’s shirt, he kept it unwashed for nearly a month just to keep the smell of his BF whenever he’s not around. I also have a harrowing love story to tell you regarding smells that reminds us of love. I had a patient  who went into a coma before he died recently. He suffered from a major bleed in his brain. Every day, his wife would be by his side waiting patiently for his husband to one day open his eyes. One day, when his condition got worse, the wife told a nurse, that she can no longer smell his husband no matter how hard she tried. Even tough, the nurse cleans up his husband every day, she can still get his husband’s smell in the room until that fateful day when the smell disappears. She told the nurse the husband is no longer there even though the monitors can still pick up his heart beat. True to her words, her husband passed away the same evening. Such is the power of aroma.

So, the next time you go perfume shopping, find a smell that reminds your BF of that beautiful love you share together. It doesn’t have to be expensive, the manufacturers will like to convince you so, don’t be deceived by their marketing ploy. It’s not the smell that matters, it’s the memory that comes with it.

Love Chemistry

Before I begin, I would like to offer my sincerest apology for not updating my blog as frequent as I used to. Rest assured that I have no intention to abandon this blog as yet, but for the past one week I had been busy reconciling with my long lost BF who recently came for a short visit after spending months and months in his hometown (he promised he would come back after 3 weeks the last time I left him at the departure gate). That is the absolute truth and nothing but the truth. In between, our lunches and dinners together, through the wonder of the internet that enables us to multitask (a prerequisite to surviving the 21st century), I have managed to compile enough materials to start working on my next book, ” Idiot’s Guide to Gay Love”, the sequel to my previous, still unfinished book, ” Idiot’s Guide to Gay Sex”. The reason why love became the sequel to sex is because in the gay world, sex always comes before love, you learn to love someone after having great sex, you love so that you can have more sex in the future.

Well, as a consolation, I will offer an exclusive preview of this book for every one of you who happens to read this blog. I hope every one will enjoy it and probably in the process gain some new insights on love. The following excerpts are from Chapter 2: Love Chemistry. This chapter deals with the scientific basis behind the unsolved mysteries of love. Since no one in this world have had the nerve of conducting scientific studies on the gay community (afraid of inducing the wrath of the all powerful gay rights activist  all over the world), most of the theories put forward here remains as theories until proven otherwise. Well, enough said, ENJOY.

Chapter 2: Love Chemistry

Stage 1: Falling In Love

Do you find yourself grappling for an answer every time someone asks you how you fell in love with your BF? Have you ever questioned yourself what actually attracted you to your BF in the first place? Is there actually a love at first sight? Scientists including psychologist, sociologist, anthropologist, biologist and even chemist have worked for centuries to try and solve the one mystery that had been baffling us even now, HOW WE FALL IN LOVE ? Here are some of the scientific facts they’ve discovered from their studies.

Love is in the Air

The human pheromone was first discovered by scientists at the Chemical Senses Center in the USA in 1986. The word “pheromone” comes from the Greek words “pherein” and “hormone”, meaning “excitement carrier”. Pheromone is an odorless substance that is found in human sweat and can only be detected by a special organ called the vomeronasal organ (VNO). The role of pheromones in the initial stage of attraction until today remains debatable for two main reasons: VNO is found in some but not all people and even if it is present, it may not be working. Pheromone however is very important for animals. This substance is produced to help them identify each other and choose a mate with an immune system different enough from their own to ensure healthy offspring.

Well, let me help translate that for you. I am a strong believer of pheromone and until today I still attribute my initial attraction to my current BF to the works of pheromone wafting in the air as we sat together on that bench after a thirty minutes climb to the top of the hill. The first time I laid eyes on him, he was clearly not my type, that 30 minutes climb changed everything, as we sat together, him sweating (he sweats a lot), me sweating (to a lesser degree), I found myself drawn to him so close that by the time we made it down the hills, I couldn’t resist asking for his number. I wanted to smell him again, he wasn’t wearing any perfume but I remembered his sweat smelling sweet and pleasant. It was LOVE AT FIRST SMELL.

I have a hypothesis. Most human beings probably have a VNO but they somehow remained dormant and after being left unused for so long became atrophied and therefore useless, some VNOs are probably underdeveloped that these group of people never had the chance to experience the “smell” of pheromone. Gays on the other hand, probably have a well developed and super sensitive VNO that enables them to fall in love with a sweaty hot guy without even realizing that they are actually attracted to their pheromones. Perhaps, pheromones without us realizing, helps us choose the right guy for us to “mate” with. Are you aware that even in a room filled with hot sweaty guys,you only get attracted to one particular guy, that guy that produces the “right” pheromone for you.

Sweats viewed by most people as disgusting, are actually sterile when it is freshly produced, it turns acrid later due to bacterial contamination, which explains the nauseating smell you get from shirts and socks left in the gym bag for one whole day. It might be hard for most gays to admit, but some of us are actually addicted to the smell of sweat. The truth is, it is not the sweat that turns us on but the pheromones within the sweat. This probably explains our obsession with spas and saunas, where everyone is due to sweat. Do you find yourself getting hot and horny after sweating like a pig inside a dry sauna? After a while you find the sweating person sitting right next you simply irresistible and you’re fighting that urge to rip open his towel and suck his dick there and then. In fact, some of the best sex i’ve ever had took place inside saunas. Do you often find yourself walking into a wet sauna and witness an orgy taking place? Perhaps, with water dripping down everyone’s body, all the pheromones get accumulated inside the room and hence, produces a cumulative hightening of sexual drive that gets everyone into an almost explosive bout of horniness thus explaining the irresistible urge to engage yourself in an orgy.

Do you find yourself taking pleasure sitting by the soccer field, watching guys kicking football all day long? Do you find yourself running for hours on the treadmill in the gym, perfectly enjoying the smell of sweating guys running beside you? Do you find the smell of the locker room with all the guys having shower after a hot, sweaty game irresistible? Do you find yourself having a “hard on” every time you take a sniff at a shirt worn by the guy you really like? Are you the type of person that sleeps at night with your BF’s shirt, or even underwear when he’s away, leaving you alone on an empty bed? Are you indeed a PHEROMON ADDICT?

It is also interesting that I find women’s sweat somewhat repulsive. Call me a freak but I solemnly swear that every time I smell a women sweating I always get nauseated. Is it true that not only is the VNO a sensitive organ, through years of education it has also become selective? Is there some sort of connection between the brain and the VNO that not only does it receives input from the VNO, it gives out instruction to the VNO to detect only a certain type of pheromones and rejects others?  It gets more and more confusing. To put it in simpler terms, do we choose our BF based on a complex interaction between the VNO and the brain?

Do you believe in pheromones?

Ponyo on the Cliff by the Sea

For those of you who are still unaware of who Hayao Miyazaki is, here is a brief introduction. Mr. Hayao Miyazaki is the proud founder of Studio Ghibli, a world renowned anime studio that has a very long history of producing some of the best works of animation in the world. Among his amazing works of art include Princess Mononoke, Graves of Fire files, Nausicaa of the Valley of the Wind, My Neighbor Totoro (Totoro later became the official mascot of the studio), Spirited Away (won an Oscar in 2003 for best animated features), The Cat Returns, Howl’s Moving Castle and recently, Gendo Senki ( an anime version of the fantasy novel Earthsea). He is currently 67 years old and his health is not very good and this new movie, produced very recently by the studio is purported to be the last movie directed by this legendary director.

Warning: spoiler ahead, continue reading at your own risk.

What is this story all about? This story is said to be inspired by ” Little Mermaid”, the fairy tale written by Hans Christian Anderson. Ponyo is a cute little fish that looks very much like a goldfish, except that she has fiery red hair and the face of a little girl. She is the offspring of a man, who is most probably a marine biologist who grew tired of human being’s endless pollution, decided to go and live out in the open seas and fell in love with the goddess of the sea. Being part deity, part fish, she gave birth to a million little red fish with Ponyo being the eldest and probably the brightest among the million siblings that she has.

One day, out of curiosity, she hijacked a couple of jelly fish and head out to explore the lands above. As she came very close to the beach, she had to flee from a ship and ended up being trapped in a net with her big red head stuck in an empty jar. She is later saved by a cute little boy named Sosuke who lives with her mother in a cute little house on top of a cliff overlooking the sea. Thus, began a beautiful friendship between a boy and a fish which tragically ended after just one day when her father later kidnapped her back to the sea with the help of a swarm of wave-like creatures. Sosuke was obviously devastated but kept hoping that one day Ponyo would return to him and they would be best friends forever (BFF).

Ponyo after returning to her underwater home gets grounded in an almost cruel way, being trapped inside a small little bubble that barely fits her huge read head. It turns out that since Ponyo already had magical blood inherited from her mother, she is able to grow hands and legs after drinking a drop of Sosuke’s blood (Sosuke got a cute little cut while trying to break open the jar that trapped poor little Ponyo). She is more than determined to go to the island and see cute little Sosuke again. While trying to escape his father’s huge underwater castle, she stumbled upon her father’s secret safe and got sucked into a pool filled with a very potent elixir, the source of everything magic in the deep blue sea. With this elixir, she transformed into a cute little girl with huge read hair while the rest of her million siblings turned into gigantic waves that when combined together turned into tsunami and later drowned the whole island.

Her father initially reluctant was later coaxed by her mother into accepting Ponyo’s choice of a man and respected her decision to live on the lands above. However, in true fairy tales tradition, Sosuke must first pass the ultimate test of love: he must accept Ponyo in her truest form, a fish with a huge read head and no matter what happens he must continue loving her unconditionally. If he happens to fail by full moon, the whole island will remained drowned forever and Ponyo will turn to bubbles and return to the sea. And in true fairy tales fashion, Sosuke passed the test with flying colours but now it’s Ponyo’s turn to make a scarifice. In order for her to live on land and become Sosuke’s BFF, she must scarifice all her magical powers and she will not be able to return to the seas. And again, to complete the whole fairy tale theme, in order for her to turn into a cute little girl again, Sosuke must kiss her fish mouth but to give it a twist, Ponyo took the first step to kiss her man instead of the other way around. From that day, they became the best BFF ever and lived happily ever after.

So, the verdict: I love this movie as much as I love any other Ghibli’s animation, just like I loved My Neighbour Totoro and Kiki’s Delivery Service but not as much as I loved Princess Mononoke, Spirited Away, Nausicaa or even The Cat Returns. I will never ever hate this movie as much as I hated Gendo Senki, which somehow left a huge black spot on the rather illustrious history of this animation studio. That translates as an everage of 3.5 over 5 for being really cute (it is clearly intended for a very young crowd) with a sensible and rather enjoyable storyline (which would have made more sense if I manage to get a DVD with better subtitles), cute and simple back to basics, old school 2D animation which tells a story that moves you in a way that no 3D animation can, but not as breathtaking as his previous movies, the two most notable movies in my personal opinion being Princess Mononoke and Spirited Away (my favorite Ghibli movie of all times).

So there you go. If you’re looking for a movie to remind you of the first love you have in your kindergarten days, this is definitely the movie for you. A very beautiful love story that tells us how innocent and pure love can be when you put SEX aside for once and really care for another human being despite whatever shortcomings they may have. That’s true love.

I Kissed A Guy

This is the story of my friend Miss Dee. We chatted over the phone for a few weeks, he was obviously troubled by something but was reluctant to give me the whole story. He told me it was something he couldn’t tell over the phone. I stayed at his place during my recent visit to KL, he finally opened up and spilled the beans. Here is the story of how my dear friend, Miss Dee kissed a guy…………..and he liked it.

First and foremost let us get acquainted with our main protagonist, Miss Dee. Miss Dee is my dear best friend back in our varsity days. I kind of suspected him of being gay even back then but until out last days together, he never came out. He used to study in a boarding school, not just any boarding school but MCKK, an all-boys boarding school renowned for producing some of the most successful gays in this country. His favorite past time is drawing sketches of scantily clad skinny models and he was the one who introduced me to Sex and the City, (back when everyone else was obsessed with Latin soaps and the all-time favorite sitcom on TV was Friend). He loves Madonna, the Spice Girls, Destiny’s Child, Beyonce and later, Rihanna. He loves Orlando Bloom, back in his LOTR days, with his flowing blond locks, boyish charm and innocent look. He still likes Orlando Bloom when he looks all roughed up and dirty in his pirate costume. So, can anyone blame me for suspecting him of being gay?

A few years back, he told me he wanted to get married, he finally found the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Unfortunately, things didn’t go as planned, the girl was actually engaged and a few months after confessing his love for this girl, she got married with someone else. He was obviously heart broken, took a few months to recover from the shock but being the tough “gal” that he is, went on with life and  was soon looking for someone else to fill the gap. He never guessed that that someone turned out to be a guy and not a gal like he expected.

The story of their encounter goes like this. One fine day, Miss Dee went out to buy some DVDs at his favorite place in Damansara. He is a great fan of anime and his favorite series are Kindaichi: The Young Detective, Detective Conan and whatever anime with the word Detective in its title . As he was passing by the entrance of the store, he spotted a really good-looking guy who happens to make his way to the same store. The guy, noticing Miss Dee’s intense “gaze”, followed him into the store and once they came to the anime section, stopped and began the usual gay courting ritual in public places: a friendly chat. Let’s call this guy, Orlando. Orlando, obviously attracted to Miss Dee, started the conversation by admitting his same love for anime, his two favorite series being Naruto and Bleach (which happens to be the two most watched anime in this country since they’re aired regularly over national TV). Nevertheless, it’s a good topic to strike up a conversation anyway, especially when you’re having a chat over the anime section of a DVD store. They made their way into a kopitiam afterwards (both went out of the store empty handed since they were happy to have found each other) for another friendly chat.

Orlando is a good-looking guy (according to Miss Dee, since I’ve never laid my eyes on him, till the very last day of my KL trip) who loves to go to the gym. His favorite past time is spending at least five hours a day in the gym working out. His daily ritual is pretty simple, he goes to work at 9 in the morning, makes his way to the gym after work, spend at least four to five hours sweating himself up and goes home to get his pretty sleep as early as 11 pm (11 pm is early for KL standards, FYI, I go to sleep at 10 pm every night). Whenever they meet, he talks about the hours he spends in the gym. He goes to the gym almost every day, resting one day of the week, which is usually Sunday but when he has nothing else better to do on Sunday, he heads back to the gym. He is the ultimate gym freak.

He must be in a pretty good shape considering the hours he spent in the gym. He used to model for some brands of underwear but according to Miss Dee, he never saw him in any magazine. He admitted that he is very lonely in KL, which sounds weird for a good looking guy, living in KL who happens to go to the gym every day. He loves dance music and trance but admitted many times that he doesn’t go clubbing with friends but only likes listening to this music at home or when he’s working out. He is a Sabahan Chinese, currently working in KL, lives with his younger brother in an exclusive apertment but somehow, he has no gay friends in KL. He used to date a girl but recently broke up due to commitment problems and following that suddenly realized that he’s actually gay. That’s a good excuse for being gay in this country, you can never get married to a guy, thus no commitment required. Sounds lame to me but I’ll give this guy a chance.

After a few friendly conversations in almost every single kopitiam in KL (he likes to hang out in kopitiam, his favorite lunch and dinner is toast and egg with a cup of cofee), he confessed his true feelings to Miss Dee, admitted that he’s gay and would like thier friendly relationship to progress to the next level. Miss Dee was shocked since he still considered himself a decent straight guy. Nevertheless, he still took Orlando’s friendly invitation to his apartment. On one of these visits, Orlando got bold, he could’t control his passion for Miss Dee, stripped naked and started kissing Miss Dee on the lips. Miss Dee initially shocked, could’t resist the temptation and finally gave in. It was his first French kiss ever (that was his actual words, French kiss). Orlando wanted to go all the way, he admitted to Miss Dee that he’s actually a bottom and wanted to get fucked but of course, Miss Dee in his stage of shock, declined, he wasn’t ready. Thus, began their frriendly visitations, Miss Dee however, refused to fill me in on what happened during their other encounters.

After that however, things started to change. Following his refusal to conduct an act of carnal intercourse (in other words, anal sex or fucking), Orlando became cold and distant. He refused to go on further dates, making his very busy schedules as an excuse. His long hours in the gym cannot be sacrificed, his work hours started becoming longer, he always has something on on weekends, he switches his phones every night, he doesn’t answer text messages as often, in other words, Orlando deliberately avoids meeting with Miss Dee. Every time they meet they started having quarrels even on small silly subjects, criticizing and commenting on one another, they started hurting each other more often.

At one point, Miss Dee became too overwhelmed with emotions, he broke into hives. Every one was baffled by his sudden attack of allergy, even Miss Dee was not quiet sure of the actual cause. It took a lengthy heart to heart conversation with yours truly one night, that we finally discovered that the actual cause of the hives was not allergy but emotional distress. At the very last day of my KL trip, Miss Dee went out for a date with Orlando. Just before I got on the bus, I received a text message that he had finally called it off with Orlando but will remain as friends. Good for you, Miss Dee. He finally figured out what to do and took that big step to solve his pressing dilemma.

I’m glad to hear that Miss Dee is finally recovering from his hives and is again living a happy life as a “straight/ gay for a few months” guy alone yet again in the big city of Kuala Lumpur.

To be continued…………………………………..

Admit Defeat

Today is a very gloomy day. The sky is heavy, it’s been raining since morning.

I have been suffering from bouts of depression ever since I came back from my one week leave and my short trip to KL. I couldn’t explain my sudden change in mood, I mean, I should be happy returning from a long leave right, what’s with all this gloom. Today is the day I finally got every thing figured out, it is the day i finally admitted defeat.

I am now convinced that a gay relationship within the same workplace can never work out. It is marred by too many complications especially when most gays prefer to stay “straight” and remain below the radar as much as possible as to not compromise their career. In a conservative society like in this country, admitting that you’re gay to your colleagues, moreover, to your boss is definitely NOT a good idea. Although, there is nowhere within the constitution of this country that you can be sacked on the grounds of being gay (given of course, you keep your hands, your tongues and your asshole to yourself at work), just by being openly gay at work will put you at risk of being alienated and subjected to sexual harassment.

I have been working in the same department for the past five years. Within this period of time, I had a few “crushes” on some of my colleagues, tried to turn them in a real relationship but all my efforts ended in vain. Today, I finally decided to end another attempt at turning a colleague into a future BF. I have given up all hope at fostering a romantic relationship with him, not fearing of being openly gay but finally admitting that he is probably not meant for me. I have endured enough from this state of emotional instability, I want to be happy again, happy to go to work, happy to have friends, happy to be productive and most of all, happy to be GAY.

I had this “crush” on this new guy that came to the department a few months back. He was supposedly replacing a very cute guy that decided one day he had had enough of me and decided to move on (pardon the sudden emotional outburst, that’s a joke, I really wish it was true though). This guy is really cute. He has the cutest button nose, a really adorable smile (with a fang sticking out on one side every time he smiles, just like me), and the thing that I really like about him is that innocent look he has on his face. To put it simply, he is the ultimate super cute “kampung boy”, get the picture.

I had a really though time getting close to him in the first few months, he was heavily guarded by his senior, who had been in the department for donkey years. Lately, my once lukewarm relationship with this senior had turned completely cold due to some internal conflict, which explains why he is kept close to prevent him from crossing over to our side. Well, don’t get the wrong impression, this has nothing to do with anti-gay war, it’s just a simple office conflict between two sides suffering from unfair administration. On the other hand, I am beginning to suspect that the old goat might actually have a liking to this boy, he might actually be bisexual, considering his close relationship with various other young cute guys in the office. They hang out together all the time and even went out for movies quite often (they got the couple seats the last time they went out for a movie, just the two of them).

I tried my best to find a connection, a common ground that will allow me to build a relationship with him but everything went really slow. One day, he told me about his great interest in body building. He asked me about products like protein shake he can use to help him get that great body he always wanted. He showed me a few pictures of himself from the days when he used to go iron-lifting every day. Oh my god! I just couldn’t believe my eyes. He has the most perfect pair of pecs and an iron-board abdomen with a set of six-packs to top it off. In other word, PERFECT. It’s good that my BF is also a gym freak and I happen to supply him with all sorts of protein supplement for the past few years. Hence, I was able to supply him with enough information to keep his interest going.

I somehow suspected that he’s actually gay. His hairdo is a giveaway, it looks typically gay. He almost never get calls from girls. Well, a really cute guy at his age would have throngs of female admirers sending him sms or calling him all the time. Instead he gets loads of messages and calls from guys. He doesn’t keep porn pictures or videos in his phone like most guys his age. Instead, he keeps pictures of half-naked guys from the gym he goes to. He hangs around with guys all the time. For a guy that cute, it’s really baffling that he doesn’t have a single GF. I might be wrong but my gay radar bleeps every time he walks by, but I don’t trust my gaydar most of the time, especially when I’m around a guy I really like. So is he really gay? GOD KNOWS.

It’s get more complicated when another colleague of mine also has the hots for this guy. I suspected this guy of being gay for the longest time and one fateful night, my suspicion was confirmed when I met him at a local gay spa I use to frequent. This guy has been my rival in all my previous relationships and it is fated that the same rivalry would repeat itself again. He has this weird obsession of obsessing over every single guy that I have interest in. I have to admit that I made the serious mistake of confessing my interest on this guy one day. Since then, he had been trying to outdo me all the time.

One day, at the start of my one week leave, I offered to buy him a big tub of protein powder from a store at a discounted price. He was obviously excited and quickly agreed. As I was going to KL the next day, he wanted to come over to my place to get it as soon as I return from my trip to KL. As vain as it sounds, i really thought that would be my greatest chance at starting a beautiful relationship with the guy of my dream. The first day I came back to work, I was taken aback at how distant he was to me. He was literally trying to avoid me. I approached him anyway and we set a date the next day, he would come over to my place to get the powder. He came, got his thing, we chatted for a while in his car and he went back.

The next morning, we met at work, the condition got worse, he was even more distant. I didn’t know why but I accepted it as a sign. We were not meant to be. I started distancing myself, I know it hurts him as well, I can see it on his face. I somehow turned the table on him. It hurts me more than I expected, I couldn’t take it anymore so, I took the rest of the day off. It might be the wrong move but it is something I had to do, it takes two to tango and from the looks of it, i have been doing a solo dance right from the start. It’s time for me to end it.

It’s time to admit defeat.