Admit Defeat

Today is a very gloomy day. The sky is heavy, it’s been raining since morning.

I have been suffering from bouts of depression ever since I came back from my one week leave and my short trip to KL. I couldn’t explain my sudden change in mood, I mean, I should be happy returning from a long leave right, what’s with all this gloom. Today is the day I finally got every thing figured out, it is the day i finally admitted defeat.

I am now convinced that a gay relationship within the same workplace can never work out. It is marred by too many complications especially when most gays prefer to stay “straight” and remain below the radar as much as possible as to not compromise their career. In a conservative society like in this country, admitting that you’re gay to your colleagues, moreover, to your boss is definitely NOT a good idea. Although, there is nowhere within the constitution of this country that you can be sacked on the grounds of being gay (given of course, you keep your hands, your tongues and your asshole to yourself at work), just by being openly gay at work will put you at risk of being alienated and subjected to sexual harassment.

I have been working in the same department for the past five years. Within this period of time, I had a few “crushes” on some of my colleagues, tried to turn them in a real relationship but all my efforts ended in vain. Today, I finally decided to end another attempt at turning a colleague into a future BF. I have given up all hope at fostering a romantic relationship with him, not fearing of being openly gay but finally admitting that he is probably not meant for me. I have endured enough from this state of emotional instability, I want to be happy again, happy to go to work, happy to have friends, happy to be productive and most of all, happy to be GAY.

I had this “crush” on this new guy that came to the department a few months back. He was supposedly replacing a very cute guy that decided one day he had had enough of me and decided to move on (pardon the sudden emotional outburst, that’s a joke, I really wish it was true though). This guy is really cute. He has the cutest button nose, a really adorable smile (with a fang sticking out on one side every time he smiles, just like me), and the thing that I really like about him is that innocent look he has on his face. To put it simply, he is the ultimate super cute “kampung boy”, get the picture.

I had a really though time getting close to him in the first few months, he was heavily guarded by his senior, who had been in the department for donkey years. Lately, my once lukewarm relationship with this senior had turned completely cold due to some internal conflict, which explains why he is kept close to prevent him from crossing over to our side. Well, don’t get the wrong impression, this has nothing to do with anti-gay war, it’s just a simple office conflict between two sides suffering from unfair administration. On the other hand, I am beginning to suspect that the old goat might actually have a liking to this boy, he might actually be bisexual, considering his close relationship with various other young cute guys in the office. They hang out together all the time and even went out for movies quite often (they got the couple seats the last time they went out for a movie, just the two of them).

I tried my best to find a connection, a common ground that will allow me to build a relationship with him but everything went really slow. One day, he told me about his great interest in body building. He asked me about products like protein shake he can use to help him get that great body he always wanted. He showed me a few pictures of himself from the days when he used to go iron-lifting every day. Oh my god! I just couldn’t believe my eyes. He has the most perfect pair of pecs and an iron-board abdomen with a set of six-packs to top it off. In other word, PERFECT. It’s good that my BF is also a gym freak and I happen to supply him with all sorts of protein supplement for the past few years. Hence, I was able to supply him with enough information to keep his interest going.

I somehow suspected that he’s actually gay. His hairdo is a giveaway, it looks typically gay. He almost never get calls from girls. Well, a really cute guy at his age would have throngs of female admirers sending him sms or calling him all the time. Instead he gets loads of messages and calls from guys. He doesn’t keep porn pictures or videos in his phone like most guys his age. Instead, he keeps pictures of half-naked guys from the gym he goes to. He hangs around with guys all the time. For a guy that cute, it’s really baffling that he doesn’t have a single GF. I might be wrong but my gay radar bleeps every time he walks by, but I don’t trust my gaydar most of the time, especially when I’m around a guy I really like. So is he really gay? GOD KNOWS.

It’s get more complicated when another colleague of mine also has the hots for this guy. I suspected this guy of being gay for the longest time and one fateful night, my suspicion was confirmed when I met him at a local gay spa I use to frequent. This guy has been my rival in all my previous relationships and it is fated that the same rivalry would repeat itself again. He has this weird obsession of obsessing over every single guy that I have interest in. I have to admit that I made the serious mistake of confessing my interest on this guy one day. Since then, he had been trying to outdo me all the time.

One day, at the start of my one week leave, I offered to buy him a big tub of protein powder from a store at a discounted price. He was obviously excited and quickly agreed. As I was going to KL the next day, he wanted to come over to my place to get it as soon as I return from my trip to KL. As vain as it sounds, i really thought that would be my greatest chance at starting a beautiful relationship with the guy of my dream. The first day I came back to work, I was taken aback at how distant he was to me. He was literally trying to avoid me. I approached him anyway and we set a date the next day, he would come over to my place to get the powder. He came, got his thing, we chatted for a while in his car and he went back.

The next morning, we met at work, the condition got worse, he was even more distant. I didn’t know why but I accepted it as a sign. We were not meant to be. I started distancing myself, I know it hurts him as well, I can see it on his face. I somehow turned the table on him. It hurts me more than I expected, I couldn’t take it anymore so, I took the rest of the day off. It might be the wrong move but it is something I had to do, it takes two to tango and from the looks of it, i have been doing a solo dance right from the start. It’s time for me to end it.

It’s time to admit defeat.