Love Is Like A Roller Coaster

I came up with this idea after a fight with my BF. I was looking for something inspirational, an analogy to describe what i’m going through at the moment. Remembering what it felt like when I first fell in love with him and this empty feeling, this feeling i’m trying to push away, the feeling you get when a relationship is about to come to an end. I realized how much falling in love felt like riding a roller coaster, or is it just my futile attempt at dramatizing myself again. Whatever it is, try to enjoy this piece of crap i’m offering, for what’s it worth, this is probably the first and last time i become overly emotional over a guy.

LOVE is like a ROLLER COASTER

I got on a roller coaster for the first time when I went to Genting Highlands with my ex-BF. There were all sorts of crazy stuffs in the park but I was too chicken to try out any of those crazy games. After spending an hour and a half doing nothing (while my ex and his bands of brothers tried every single games he laid his eyes on), I decided to give the roller coaster a try. It was the first and last time I ever got on a roller coaster and I’m not intending to get on another one anytime soon. So, how does a roller coaster ride compares to falling in LOVE?

You hear many stories about the roller coaster. Some so great they describe it as an experience of a lifetime, these people made it alive and went on to have more rides in the future. You hear these stories, you just can’t wait to get on one and experience the thrill yourself. Some tell stories of how dangerous these rides can be, some losing their life while others become so traumatic it leaves them scarred for the rest of their lives. You hear these stories and you tell yourself accidents can happen to anyone, but it does not happen everyday and probably it’s worth taking the risk, you will most probably survive the ride and live to tell the story. Some become so terrified they never got on a roller coaster and some waited too long that by the time they got the nerve, they’re no longer allowed to get on one while others died not knowing how thrilling and exciting it can be.

Remember the first time you heard about falling in LOVE from a friend? Remember how much you yearned to be LOVED by another man, how much you giggled and gushed when your friend tells you about his first kiss, how great the sex felt? Remember what it felt like when you hear about your friend’s break-up, how badly hurt he got but you convince yourself you will never fall into the same fate? Your LOVE will be different, it will be GREAT. Some vowed never to fall in love but in the process lost that one chance to have an experince of a lifetime.

You got in line, the queue is long and frustrating but that excitement and thrill bubbling in your chest makes you wait patiently for your turn. At times you feel like quitting and go try some other rides but that nagging voice inside your head tells you if you quit now, you’ll never get another chance. So you waited. The nearer you get to the front of the line, your heart pounded faster, the adrenaline coursing through your veins makes you all light-headed and excited.

Remember how your life was when you’re young, so eager to fall in love, wanting to feel the thrill, that experince of your lifetime?  Remember the first glimpse of hope you felt, searching for the right guy to fall in love with? Remember that long and frustrating wait, that endless date you go through, the countless sex that hurt more than please? But every time, you convince yourself you will find the right guy and when he comes along, you’ll fall in LOVE with him.

It’s finally your turn, the passengers are now boarding, your carousel in front of you, your heart beats like its about to explode, you started having doubts…..will you survive this ride? what if something bad happens? will the rails hold? will it hurt? excitement and thrill overpowered your judgement and you plunge into the seat. The safety restraints come down and the ride of your life is about to start. This is the moment of truth.

Remember the first time you met the man of your dreams? That excitement and thrill you get that your long wait is finally over, you’re finally getting that chance to fall in LOVE. You had your doubts but LOVE blinds all mortal eyes, you chose to ignore all warnings, leave precautions to the wind and trust that often, faulty instinct and plunge right into that LOVE, right in front of you. You’re all geared up for the ride of your lifetime.

The roller coaster moved slowly, climbing the railings, reaching the peak and pausing before it makes its first plunge into the deep abyss. Your excitement escalates but soon turns to fear, fear for your life and you closed your eyes. When it finally makes that plunge, you feel all queasy like your insides are coming out from your mouth but then, it felt fine, it was fun and you yearned for more. It’s one very confusing moment, both painful and pleasent.

Remember that feeling when you confessed your love to your BF? He says he loved you too and you’re suddenly at the top of the world. It’s not always sunny and bright, at times it hurts so bad but at times you experience the most wonderful feeling that your judgement fails you all the time. Your brain gets confused it goes into complete shutdown and LOVE takes over your body. You can’t get enough of this feeling, you want more.

The roller coaster went on making a few more rounds and that excitement starts dwindling, the fear now abates as you learn that you’re as safe as a baby in a crib, that thrill goes mellow as it makes one monotonous round after another. Your brain initially frozen and confused starts working again and you say to yourself ,”this is boring, i just want it to end”.

After a few months, that heat you felt starts getting colder, you brain starts working and you see things staright, you start looking for every single faults, finding every reason why that guy is no longer as perfect, you feel trapped not able to get off the ride, bored and miserable. The monotony of the relationship, the monogamy you find unflattering.You want it to end.

The roller coaster starts slowing down, it made its final round. As it is about to stop, your brain gets confused again, you feel happy that you’re finally on the ground again, you’re safe and lived to tell the story. But then you regretted that you didn’t enjoy that ride of your life when you should have. You closed your eyes all the time and you didn’t get to see the dizzying image when the train went swishing by. You’ll never get a second chance. It won’t feel the same the next time you get on another ride.

Remember your first break up? That feeling when your relationship is about to come to and end? You just cannot let it go but at the same time you feel so tired, fighting and doing your very best to try and keep it alive. You feel that a break up is the best thing for both of you or maybe its just a lie to calm your heart down. You can’t stand all the confusion and thus, you make that final decision. But when his gone, you regret it, you doubt that you will never experience the same kind of love in your lifetime.

Well, is LOVE like a ROLLER COASTER? A roller coaster will always be a roller coaster, no matter how different they make it look, how many devillish turns it makes, in the end it’s just another roller coaster. So is LOVE.

A Thousand Appologies

My dear readers, this is probably the longest break i ever took since i started writing in this blog. I was hit by the worst case of blogger’s block for the past few months. It started in the fasting month when my low sugar  level and severe lack of enthusiasm for all things sensational had left me bereft of any new ideas for a new post. It lasted longer than it should and I thought that by the time raya celebration kicks in, my dried out brain would resume its normal function and starts churning out one post after another like it used to. I soon learned that my brain needs more time to rediscover the passion I lost over the long break. My old witty, sarcastic, horny, sensational, vibrant, narcissistic self that started this blog was somehow lost and in its place a very dry, old maid all miserable and alone feeling sorry for himself all day long, waiting for his BF to return and makes his life worth living again. Talk about melodramatic, well, that’s part of what being a gay is all about, we’re all DRAMA QUEENS.

I’m NOT looking for sympathy but rather, I’m looking for an emphatic soul, someone who understands how it felt like to feel all stupid and boring. How frustrating it is, to switch on your laptop and stare at the screen with unblinking eyes and being unable to write anything worth reading. How fruitless it is to use your internet connection for the sole purpose of cruising  through countless porn sites just to rediscover whatever passion i used to have for this gay world i used to love. How frustrating it is to fall prey to your own LUST, wasting hours of precious time watching gay guys masturbating over the internet when i could spend my time doing something productive especially when i have this precious blog to write in. What envy I felt reading through other people’s blog, feeling green all over not able to write when it seems so effortless to others.

How sad it is to be crippled, having a big head with a brain inside but using it for the sole purpose of satisfying that sexual urge I have almost every day now that my BF is so far away. It makes me more and more depressed, feeling stupid and dirty. The worst feeling someone can have is being disgusted at your own self.That is pretty much what I’m feeling at the moment and this is definitely NOT the proudest moment in my life. I am human though, and no human can escape from being miserable once in a while if not most of the time. It is also ironic, that the word GAY means happy but you find that most gay guys spend half of their life feeling miserable. Perhaps it’s just me.

I now realize that what i really crave is not SEX but that feeling of being LOVED, rediscovering and replenisihing all that happy and pleasent hormones running through your veins, saturating your brain with comfort and the sense of well-being, feeling appreciated and most importantly, LOVED. It is pitiful in a way that in the gay world you have SEX just to be LOVED, when you know deep inside it’s not the SEX that you’re really looking for, it’s that emotional intimacy you crave for, that psychic connection between two poeple, that brings above all happiness, and a will to keep living in this cruel world. Forgive me for being overly dramatic in potraying my pitiful self in such a grand, almost selfish manner, I am a narcissistic person to begin with.

Enough with this ranting, the real reason why I wrote this post is to offer my most sincerest appology for being absent for the longest time since whenever. I plegde that from today onwards, I will treasure my short life and become the most productive person for the next few months before this bout of DEPRESSION hits me again, well it’s becoming more frequent these days and it’s one of the many signs that a relationship is about to come to an end. LIFE on the other hand must go on. I’m leaving GLOOMY in the old closet and taking HAPPY out of its hiding. I’m welcoming myself to this blog again, dusting the keyboards of my laptop and taking my fauvorite stool from under the bed. I”M BACK and BACK WITH A VENGEANCE.

Some New, Some Old

Author’s note

My dear readers, do not be alarmed by the sudden change in the blog’s design. I celebrated my 30th birthday and in the spirit of celebrating eidil fitri, i’ve decided to make some changes to my blog. However, please take note that the only thing changing here is the design and only that.

I’ve decided that grey is too melodramatic and angsty in a gothic kind of way, especially with the floral motifs in blackish hues. The previous theme was called “dusk”, a theme I chose to denote that my blog is written by a gay, for gays but still maintains a certain degree of masculinity, I didn’t want it to be too obvious and by choosing colours like pink and purple, people will never take me seriously. However, dusk reminds me too much of where I am now, old and shrivelled and the morbid colours is a clear reminder of how close i am to the end of the line.

That explains why i chose the colour green, a darker green, almost olive with some brown to reflect the “save the world” theme (yeah, right). The truth is, green is my fauvorite colour before i became depressed and nihilistic and decided that black is my actual colour. Green is also the colour of the festive season (the official colour for eidil fitri) just like red is for christmas. The whole theme reflects the fresher, more positive me, something i would like to become in the future. Pray for me guys.

What will never change is this. Despite the very religious connotation of the whole colour scheme, the contents will get even raunchier, sexier, hotter but still retains the me that used to write in this blog. That will never change. This blog was not meant for purely pleasure but a room for me to share my thoughts with all of you with what’s happening in our lives on a daily basis. I will try to keep it in the same format but when the time comes for changes, you will all be warned before hand so to prevent unpredicted shocks to your nervous system.

That’s all for now. Think of this as a face lift or in a milder version, a jab of Botox to an aging face full of wrinkles. The person underneath all that is still the same.

Love, always.

The Right Guy For You

Introduction

I have been toying with this idea for quiet some time but somehow, found it difficult to put it in writing. The initial idea for these articles were meant as a memoir or an autobiography, chronicling my previous failed relationships. However, i had reservations and decided that my personal life should remain personal and I would try my best not to go into the usual male bashing routine most of us go through after each breakups. What usually happens is after a few months of playing “diva divorce”, chanting the “ I don’t need a man/ Independent women/I will survive” mantra, we find ourselves crawling back into the snugly, burly arms of another man and convince ourselves that this new guy is different from all the other guys but deep inside we know he’s just another guy and that’s what we go for in our lives, a GUY. That’s what being gay is all about.

Instead, what i’ll try to do is, compile all my previous experiences with multiple failed relationships (the longest relationship I’ve ever had is with my current BF, two years and hopefully will last even longer) plus a few other relationships I’ve gathered mostly from my close friends and use all these encounters to produce a comprehensive and hopefully fair and unbiased analysis of the types of man available for all of you out there, whether you’re a pro or an amateur (the fact is you can never be a pro when it comes to relationships, love makes you stupid, you don’t learn anything from your experience) to choose from. I would like to think of this as a classy and  very gay parody of ” Definitely, Maybe” meets “Sex and the City: The Movie” starring me and my friends.

I think deep inside, what i’m trying to do is to try and make sense of why my previous relationships never worked out. Hopefully, through this process, looking at things in retrospect, I can finally understand why I keep repeating the same mistakes over and over and all the men in my previous relationships are obviously flawed. No wonder my good friend Miss Jimmy called me a LOSER. Well, I confess, I’m the biggest LOSER in the world and that qualifies me as the best teacher to give all of you a good lesson in choosing a great guy to start a relationship with as to not end up being an even bigger LOSER than me (because if that happens I would loose my title and I’m back being a simple nobody).

So, all these rantings have left me wondering, is there really a Mr. Right, The Perfect Guy or does a perfect relationship really do exist for us gays? God made Eve for Adam, thus man were genetically pre-destined to get attracted and fall in love with a woman. So, if that’s the case, how did homosexuality came about? From what I know, the earliest record of a gay community dates centuries back, remember the story of the prophet Luth and the city of Sodom and Gomorrah, which eventually got destroyed for their sins. Well, putting history aside, what really drives us to be gay in the first place? Oops……….got side-tracked there. Let’s leave that for another day.

The real question here is, ” Is there such a thing as the right guy for you?”. How do you define Mr. Right or Mr. Perfect or what does a perfect relationship means to you. Are we destined to live our whole life looking for the right guy only to find out in the end that that guy doesn’t really exist. If that’s the case should we approach a relationship on a trial and error basis, accepting every single guy in our lives, then decide later whether they’re the right guy for us and once we’re done, discard them and move on with another relationship. Or should we stick with our strict definition of a perfect guy, praying and hoping everyday, waiting for destiny to send that guy to us and push away any other guy that knocks on our door in the process of waiting. Is there such a thing as happily ever after?

Do we find ourselves falling for the same type of guy over and over even after various failed relationships? When I was younger, me and my friends used to set our own strict rules of the type of guy we want to fall in love with. Well, some of my friends still do, some of us stopped doing that but most of us still do it without us realizing it. The usual list usually consist of the following items (not in order of preference):

• Age range: the young ones prefer the mature but not too old, we came up with our own term for that, ” keabangan”, some prefer “daddies”, the young studs (better known as anak ikan) are all the raves now especially for old guys like me (i’m 30 by the way, celebrated my birthday yesterday).
• Body build: some like it lean, some like meaty with lots of muscle to chew on, some like some fat to cling on too, some like it hairy to tickle them when they’re horny.
• Income: this is very controversial as at a certain point, it involves morality issues, are you looking for love or money? this is exactly why most of us would iclude occupation as part of introduction and most of us lie.
• Location: some like it near, some like it far (for obvious reasons), we used to have a certain states of preference keeping in view that men from certain states in this country tend to be jerks and losers, so we prefer to keep a considerable distance from these guys.
• Etnicity: call me a racist but i’m sure all of us has their own preferred ethnicity, for example, Miss Odezz (a malay) likes chinese, they are clean and most have great bods since most of them are gym freaks just like him, some gets enchanted by the glitters of Bollywood, some goes only for caucasians (Mat saleh and Mat Saleh celup), everyone has their own pick.
• Sexual orientation aka roles in bed: this is by far the most complicated topic to discuss. I prefer to leave that long story for another day.

For the sake of discussion, I have taken the liberty, of coming up with my own practical classification of all the men I’ve encountered for the past 30 years of my life (you have no idea how old i feel right now, putting this in words). Some of you may disagree with a lot of things I may say in these articles but I will leave that to your own discretion. If you have any qualms at all, please feel free to leave a comment.

The journey begins here. Please stay and enjoy the ride.

Eid Mubarak 2008

Assalamualaikum w.b.t, my dear friends and readers (that refers to all of you who had been kind enough to read through my endless rantings and bla bla bla……….. and had been very supportive throughout my mere existence in the blogging world). EID MUBARAK 2008, Kullu Aam wa antum bikhair (that loosely translates as may you have the best year ever).

Eid il Fitri is the time for forgiveness but most of all a time of gratitude, to be thankful for all the bounties, big or small, bestowed by GOD in our lives. For that reason, I would like to dedicate my latest post to the following persons (doesn’t this sound very much like an acceptance speech…DREAM ON)………

The Perda Gurlz: Miss Merazz, Miss Nanu Baharina, Miss Maria Alvarez, Miss Pittricia, Miss Merazz’z loving husband, Areipp, Miss Nanu’s hubby/wife (I’m still not sure about their respective rolls in bed till today), Mimi Zarina, and last but not least, never forgotten but we prefer to keep him in the background these days, Kak Hayam (literally translated as Chicken Sister aka CS). I am very grateful to these gurlz for making my life on this lonely island more than just happening. We shared laughter, we had great times at the sauna together, had great sex and a blast talking about it later, we shared stories of our latest conquest, stories of joy and of heartbreaks but most importantly, they were always there, a shoulder to cry on, in my most desperate moments, no matter how silly and selfish it may seem, they were always there. My special thanks to Miss Merazz, you are my pillar of strength, I greatly admire your calmness and sound advices, you are one of the strongest gay soul I have ever known. Thank you from the deep abyss of my heart. Miss Maria, you have one of the greatest love stories ever (pay attention to the extra ‘ies’ in story) and one of these days i would like to get everything in writing. It would be sensational.

My one and only Miss Dee: It’s still not too late for me to say , “Welcome to My World”. You have been my closest friends since our varsity years. We may have drifted apart at the very last year, the year of “transition”, when friends turn foes, for a reason I still can’t fathom, the great unsolved mystery. You have been my greatest source of inspiration, many of your thoughts and rantings turns up in my blog. It is never meant to be demeaning but as an inspiration to all of us, a way to better understand the going ons in our lives, making sense of an otherwise senseless way of life.

Miss Odezz winner of this year’s Miss Mulut Murai (at a recent award presentation in JB) but forever and always Miss Gay Travel for each and every single year to come: you have been the best host during my every visit to KL, I truly appreciate our times together. You’ve introduced me to the side of KL gay scene I have never seen before. I’m truly grateful. My warmest regards to your wonderful friends, the beautiful Miss Azee, Miss Egha, your breast gets bigger every day (that is meant as a compliment) and the sweet Miss Mizi.

Miss Jimmy Najmie, the pink blogger: you are my greatest confidant ever, every single happenings in my life, the bad, worse, worst and sometimes better I share with you, our loves and breakups, your ever happening sex life, the sex you now share with everyone else on your blog. You introduced me to blogging, I will ever be grateful to you, I’ve finally found the joy of my life. We may have drifted apart lately, you said so in your blog and for that, I’m truly sorry and wish we can start being good friends again, like the sisters we used to be, the remaining sisters that until today remains single and unmarried. Life goes on, the life we lead is our own choice to make.

Last but not least, to all of you out there, i may not know you by name, but to every one of you who may have read this humble blog, thank you so much, you have been a great support and a source of inspiration. Keep reading, I will try my very best to keep updating this blog till the day i call it quits (by that i mean, leaving the gay world for good, which may not happen anytime soon). Thanks again.

I will leave you with a very warm greeting: EID MUBARAK, God Bless All of You.