A Thousand Appologies

My dear readers, this is probably the longest break i ever took since i started writing in this blog. I was hit by the worst case of blogger’s block for the past few months. It started in the fasting month when my low sugar  level and severe lack of enthusiasm for all things sensational had left me bereft of any new ideas for a new post. It lasted longer than it should and I thought that by the time raya celebration kicks in, my dried out brain would resume its normal function and starts churning out one post after another like it used to. I soon learned that my brain needs more time to rediscover the passion I lost over the long break. My old witty, sarcastic, horny, sensational, vibrant, narcissistic self that started this blog was somehow lost and in its place a very dry, old maid all miserable and alone feeling sorry for himself all day long, waiting for his BF to return and makes his life worth living again. Talk about melodramatic, well, that’s part of what being a gay is all about, we’re all DRAMA QUEENS.

I’m NOT looking for sympathy but rather, I’m looking for an emphatic soul, someone who understands how it felt like to feel all stupid and boring. How frustrating it is, to switch on your laptop and stare at the screen with unblinking eyes and being unable to write anything worth reading. How fruitless it is to use your internet connection for the sole purpose of cruising  through countless porn sites just to rediscover whatever passion i used to have for this gay world i used to love. How frustrating it is to fall prey to your own LUST, wasting hours of precious time watching gay guys masturbating over the internet when i could spend my time doing something productive especially when i have this precious blog to write in. What envy I felt reading through other people’s blog, feeling green all over not able to write when it seems so effortless to others.

How sad it is to be crippled, having a big head with a brain inside but using it for the sole purpose of satisfying that sexual urge I have almost every day now that my BF is so far away. It makes me more and more depressed, feeling stupid and dirty. The worst feeling someone can have is being disgusted at your own self.That is pretty much what I’m feeling at the moment and this is definitely NOT the proudest moment in my life. I am human though, and no human can escape from being miserable once in a while if not most of the time. It is also ironic, that the word GAY means happy but you find that most gay guys spend half of their life feeling miserable. Perhaps it’s just me.

I now realize that what i really crave is not SEX but that feeling of being LOVED, rediscovering and replenisihing all that happy and pleasent hormones running through your veins, saturating your brain with comfort and the sense of well-being, feeling appreciated and most importantly, LOVED. It is pitiful in a way that in the gay world you have SEX just to be LOVED, when you know deep inside it’s not the SEX that you’re really looking for, it’s that emotional intimacy you crave for, that psychic connection between two poeple, that brings above all happiness, and a will to keep living in this cruel world. Forgive me for being overly dramatic in potraying my pitiful self in such a grand, almost selfish manner, I am a narcissistic person to begin with.

Enough with this ranting, the real reason why I wrote this post is to offer my most sincerest appology for being absent for the longest time since whenever. I plegde that from today onwards, I will treasure my short life and become the most productive person for the next few months before this bout of DEPRESSION hits me again, well it’s becoming more frequent these days and it’s one of the many signs that a relationship is about to come to an end. LIFE on the other hand must go on. I’m leaving GLOOMY in the old closet and taking HAPPY out of its hiding. I’m welcoming myself to this blog again, dusting the keyboards of my laptop and taking my fauvorite stool from under the bed. I”M BACK and BACK WITH A VENGEANCE.